The Plea, My Angst
This was written prior to my posting the whole story – but after having actually written it.
I try to be very forthcoming and honest on my blog. I feel that I try to live authentically and honestly. And I want to share my experiences not only due to the cathartic value of opening up, but also to possibly let others know they are not alone.
I have not shared something that has been happening in my life this past year out of fear. The fear that I could be misunderstood, judged, and condemned. I need to face that fear and realize that the only opinions that truly matter are those of me, my loved ones, and the universe (or God, higher power, what have you).
Though I am not ready to share the details of my story as of yet (I will one day soon – writing about it is a work in progress and very difficult), I wanted to share something about it and get it off my chest.
I have had to plea to a criminal charge of which I am innocent. I was accused and charged with a crime that I did not commit. The story was skewed, manipulating and malicious people were involved. I simply fell through the legal cracks. The court system was something of which I was completely ignorant. I knew nothing of its processes and procedures. I had no clue how things REALLY worked downtown. It is very scary. Very machine-like and that machine will eat you up as though you never had a soul. They do not care. They do not see people – only case numbers.
The crime I was accused of was never investigated. Instead, they simply rubber stamped a piece of paper etched with my name and off I was through legal hell. I have spent thousands (about 4,000 so far) since this has started. I have been ripped apart emotionally, spiritually, even physically. I have cried so many tears that crying could be a future impossibility. My family has suffered greatly. I have not been completely present with my husband or child. I have been stewing in anger, depression, and fear for 8 months straight. And I still cannot see the light at the end – or even the thought of one existing at all.
The crime that I was accused of was a felony. They gave me the offer of a misdemeanor with probation. I have never even had a speeding ticket in my life. Never in any legal trouble whatsoever. This is devastating to me. Yet, taking this to a trial is dangerous and far too trying on my already weakened spirit. As it turns out, the state does not need to prove your guilt – YOU need to prove your INNOCENCE. Many times that is just not possible. If I were to take it to trial and lose, I could go to jail. Certainly an outcome I could not handle.
So I am basically forced to do something I feel I could regret; something that kills my authentic self. I have to find a way to get passed this…to move on. I am still not sure I can.
One day I will tell the story in its entirety. Until then, thanks for listening.