Meeting with the Counselor
Last night we had a meeting with the counselor. By we, I mean my husband, his ex wife and myself. I was very anxious about it – this was our second appointment. The first one went okay, but was emotional. Anyway, last night went well I would say. I agreed with everything the counselor had to say. He said that we all deserve much credit for even coming to these appointments an attempting to do the right things. He also said that we all need to learn how to trust – and deserve trust with one another. Without that trust we cannot truly believe that the other parent has my step daughter’s best interest at heart. I know that is something I need to work on (we all do – but I can only speak for myself). I do not many times trust that her mother has her best interests at heart. I usually believe that she is too wrapped up in her own world, problems and life to really pay attention to what her daughter really needs. I also feel that she purposely does things to spite us (like tell her to lie to us). But I need to work on realizing that everyone makes mistakes, everyone has their issues and crosses to bear. This is one of mine. I also need to work on not worrying so much about what happens over there (this was not discussed, but I just know I need to work on this) because I will never be able to change that.
He also explained to her mother that she needs to set specific limits and boundaries and stick with them. And that she needs to simply not allow her daughter to manipulate and control everything – which is what is happening now. He also explained that the ‘Disneyland Parent’ is usually the one who gets little respect in the end.
Her mother mentioned some things that her daughter has done and said just in the past weeks. My jaw dropped when I heard some of them. She really treats her mother terribly and is allowed to do so. Her mom said that she gets very upset and frustrated because she knows she doesn’t act like that here. So I believe that is where much of her hostility toward us is forming.
The counselor also looked at me and said that we will never be able to get over everything that has happened in the past and as hard as it will be to try to set it aside when dealing with issues that pertain to my step daughter. He was speaking to all of us, but it was clear that he was acknowledging my pain from everything that has happened. By the way, none of which has ever been discussed in these two appointments. But I did say that I am letting go much better than I has anticipated. I still have a ways to go…but I have been able to forgive in bits and pieces. And I have been able to try to put this behind me. There are times when that is terribly difficult…but I am getting there.
Anyway, we have another appointment in about 8 weeks. Maybe I will not be so anxious next time. We need to get things straight. We will have to be co-parenting for 11 more years. Thats a LOOOONNNGGG time. So we need to find a way to do it without so much anger, animosity and spite.