I didn’t handle myself in the best possible way yesterday. I let my emotions take over and I spouted too much ugliness on Facebook. I meant every word I said and was being completely genuine; but I could have and should have held back a bit. I don’t like being a drama person…its gross. For some reason I have this feeling that I need to be heard and understood and when I am not – it frustrates me entirely and I start to shout louder and louder. Sometimes I do not recognize that regardless of how often and how many different ways I try to explain something…there are just people in this world…in my life…who will either not get it or not care. It is then when I need to walk away to preserve my integrity and sanity.
In some posts yesterday I eluded to hating my life and wanting to escape. I do realize how unhealthy and unproductive that is. It also makes me look as though I am a person who is not grateful for the positives in her life. As though I do not appreciate all that is indeed good. This is not the case and I hate the thought of people seeing me in that way. I watched a program the other day which portrayed a couple who has gone through horrible challenges. On their wedding night, the groom dove into a pool during their reception and instantly became a paraplegic. Now, how on earth can I watch something like this and still feel sorry for myself? What an asshole I must be. But it is all relative. And even though things could of course always be worse – they could also be better. But I cannot any longer depend on others to make or even help make things better. It is completely up to me.
I did have a lot of caring words sent my way and it meant so much. I realized how I came off and felt ashamed and guilty about it. I caused concern and I am quite sure, annoyances to those not involved. I deleted the posts – but those people who responded to me or sent me private messages – it was really a kind thing to do. Because honestly, if something happens which causes me significant pain while I am in a depressive state – I really do think sometimes that I want to leave this life. Those moments are extremely brief and infrequent. And I would never EVER do anything as stupid or as selfish to end my life. Most of all, I would NEVER voluntarily leave my child. EVER. But that is how deep my depression can get at times – how sad I can get. And I have lived without much family support in this regard. They do not understand and I do not expect them to. So, for the most part, I wade through those moments alone and with a shit load of artillery. So when people reach out they way some did yesterday, it means so much. It makes me feel that I am not really alone and hated by all. I really want to thank all of those people ((HUGS)).
I posted this on Facebook and thought I would share it here as well:
“I am going to take a lot of advice I received from some very insightful people today. I WILL start to focus more on the positive..what I DO have…what I HAVE accomplished. I will do my very best to leave past pains remain in the past. I cannot change the way people think…their ideas…their ignorance. I will stop wasting my energy in attempting to do so. And I will walk away instead of becoming angry and submerging myself in the need to be heard. I will also be more careful about how I display my emotions in such a public forum. I am taking your advice – each of you know who you are. And I thank you…more than you know.”
So, if you read my blog from yesterday, you may know what has been going on to make me so hypersensitive the past few days. Brief synopsis – Charlie’s family was never there for us when we needed them the most. And to top it off, they have all chosen to be friends with his ex (which if you know me at all…you know it is not the typical jealous of the ex thing) on Facebook. His mom, brother, sister in law, uncles, aunts, cousins…bunches of them. Many are ones who never even requested me. And I was told by the ex that several of these people did IN FACT request her, not the other way around. Whether that is true or not, I do not know. It just finally got to me enough to go beyond just blogging about it. I posted this on Facebook the other day:
“You may think this is stupid or immature…but that would only be if you do not know me very well or the situations we have been in…if you are FB friends with a certain person, I will be deleting you. I don’t need my business being relayed to her…and quite frankly it is weird and kinda rude after everything she has done to us and her daughter. Sorry.”
A number of people agreed with me and some did delete her. Oh but not Charlie’s family. No way. Got a MUCH different response from them. They did not delete her or respond in anyway. Granted, they may have not seen the post…very possible. But like I said, this is certainly not the first time I have expressed my sadness about this. To Charlie’s family members who were both on her friends list AND my friends list, I sent an email explaining why I had deleted them from my Facebook friends list. The replies I received…I just do NOT understand at all. Here is some of what I was told (what I am pasting will be edited to remove anything too private or sensitive to others):
“I understand that she (the ex) has issues, and I’m all for supporting the well being of a child, but I also don’t take nicely to bullying”
”I really don’t appreciate finding out I was given a 24 hour ultimatum”
“who do you think you are with this ultimatum" your with me or against me" I don’t choose sides and I know what happened to you was fucked up but don’t bring everyone into this.”
“I don’t really agree with how she raised Kenzie but its not my position to say anything. I expect an apology and I think a few of us deserve that for this outrage of yours. I have never told you or Charlie how to raise your kids either and its none of my business just like with (the ex).”
“We haven’t done anything to you.”
Here was my response (two different ones actually):
I have spoken of this for months now both on FB and on my blog. I don’t think anyone would be surprised that it would bother me. It wasn’t a 24 hour ultimatum.
It hurts because she has done SO much to hurt Charlie, Kenzie and me. None of which has been a secret. Why someone in our family would want ANY connection to her is beyond my understanding. It is like me friending Hitler while in a family of Jews. I appreciate all of your support in those other respects – completely. But I would take a supportive relationship where I didn’t feel like some outsider over any of that. I have never been made to feel a part of this family and this was just the last thing. Again, I have been very vocal about my feelings on this for months and yet you guys all remained friends with her. NO ONE in Charlie’s family supported us when we were going through pure hell. No one. How do you think that feels?? And it is WAYYY more than having issues.
My intention was not to be a bully. It was to let you know how deeply my feelings have been hurt and that I really don’t want to be around people who would rather keep her as a friend than try develop a relationship with their own family member and/or give a crap about my feelings. What did you guys get out of being FB friends with her? Was it worth hurting someone the way it did? To me that answer had to be yes, which of course would bother a person.
No, not everyone reads what I put on FB. But XX and XX DO read my blog and I have talked about this a number of times in the recent past – about how much it hurt my feelings. Not to mention, I figured it should have been an obvious thing. If someone treated MY family like shit, I certainly would not want to be "friends" with them in any capacity. I guess it is about loyalty and clearly that is not something that is important to you. I don’t want to say it is about taking sides…but even if it was…Charlie is YOUR BROTHER!! Why would you NOT take his side??? You KNOW all the pain and shit she has put him through over the years. Why you wouldn’t "take his side" is beyond me.
When she accused me of abuse – she put this family thru pure hell. I was inches away from ending my life. Yet not one member of Charlie’s family showed one ounce of support, comfort or consideration. When I asked for letters to the judge to help my case, not one from your family. Tons from other people, but not your family – which I thought was supposed to be my family. Apparently not. Charlie and I cried so much during that time and none of you gave a shit. And I really don’t want to hear about fear or wanting to keep things copacetic with (the ex) because of Kenzie. Bullshit. Do you know how many recordings, emails, apologies I have from her?? So, anyway, this Facebook thing is really just the last nail in the coffin.
Forget about me in the equation, I thought you cared about Charlie and Kenzie at least. You guys are clearly not getting it and I am done trying to explain myself.
Apology, not coming. Maybe I could have handled it better or differently…but I have meant every last word.
I have decided I am sending this reply to all of you. It applies to everyone and it is really all I have to say about it.
And that is the last of it at this point. Charlie thinks it will blow over. I am not so sure. Because I will not have the ability to sit at a family function and fake it. I cannot pretend to be someone I am not. I worry how this will affect our marriage. But I have to be true to myself and my own integrity. I hope we can manage through this. Sometimes I feel like the stars are just against this marriage lasting. First of all…a stepchild in the mix will always create additional struggles. But then throw in a psycho ex wife and a family who prefers the psycho ex wife and you suddenly have a shit load to deal with ON TOP of the regular marital challenges. It won’t be easy. Which really sucks because we have gotten to a point now where we are really doing well in our marriage…getting along much better. Charlie says we will be fine. I hope he is right. I do love him and he is a great dad…it would be such a terrible shame if something were to happen because of all this outside bullshit. I wish SOOOO much we could move away from all of it…all the baggage. And we will, no doubt, one day. But it wouldnt be possible right at this moment. I do look forward to it, however.
Well, I guess that is all for now. I will likely write more later. Gotta get stuff done today.
**Update…my friend (who WILL remain nameless) sent me this message and I thought she really made some good points – confirming the fact that I need to just walk away and stop trying to make things better…