Friday July 16, 2010

Standard
 

I was told that I need to let go. That I need to let go of everything and anything I cannot control. That I am making myself miserable and apparently making myself sound like a whiny baby.

Letting go is something I have been trying to achieve for many years. This is basically the reason I am in therapy. Letting go of things, people, issues, past occurrences…I have not yet learned how to do this when many of these are still in my home, in my face. For me to let go of some things means I would have to stop caring about certain things and people. And when it comes to people, it is seemingly impossible.

I guess I am not suppose to care about the health of my step daughter. I can see it going down hill, but it is not something I can control and therefore need to let go. I cannot control anything when it comes to this child I have been raising for the last 9 years. The only way I can see it is in order to really let go – not just fake letting go while I wallow in silent resentment – is to stop caring about this child. How do I continue to have to deal with her behavior and attitude, her mother’s insanity, her father’s apathy and have it all right here in front of me and still show love and care for this child? I have to stop caring about her, yet I would be “abusive” if I didn’t show care. How does a person do this?? Having been her primary care giver since she was just over one year old. How do I just “let go”? If a child you had been in charge of for the past 9 years suddenly became out of your care, out of your control and you had to watch someone else screwing up EVERYthing you did to teach that child…how would that make YOU feel I wonder?? Would YOU be able to throw your arms up and say "Oh well" ?? Maybe so…and if that is the case good for you.

I see people that have this Buddhist like mentality. So calm, at peace, have everything figured out, they don’t let the actions of others affect them and of anything they do not desire – they let go. I am jealous of these people and I just have no clue how to make my mind work in that way. But I wish these people would understand that we are not all as enlightened, as intelligent, as evolved as that. I try to be, but I am not.

Just let go”…like telling a person in a chronic depression to “Just cheer up”. Its so easy to say. And for some, maybe it is easy to do. For me, it has been a serious struggle. Its not like I do not try. I have not spoken to or have ANY communication with the ex for months now. everything used to come thru me. EVERYTHING. Now, when it comes to her and her emails…not me. None of it. That is all I knew how to do for the time being in order to separate myself from her at least. Completely disengage…that is/was my goal in that regard. Which in itself was/is not easy. All this time, we would email each other almost daily. After everything that has transpired, I still cared about her and had concern about the destructive, dishonest path she continues to tread. So, that was hard. believe it or not, saying goodbye (in my own mind) and giving it all up to Charlie to handle completely for the first time since we met. 

When it comes to how my step daughter is being raised, her heath and well being…that I do not know how to simply let go. If someone can tell me, I am all ears.

A couple people focused on the part of my last blog about my step daughter’s weight gain. In all complete honesty, if she wasn’t eating a horrible diet and wasn’t being taught false information about what is healthy (ie, diet Mt. Dew is okay, chocolate granola bars are health food, Mac and Cheese is the healthiest meal – all things I have heard her say) the weight wouldn’t even be mentioned by me. AND I have NEVER EVER mentioned her weight to her whatsoever!!! Again, I weighed her for a life jacket. People conveniently missed that piece of information and acted as tho I have the girl doing fat camp weigh ins. NEVER ever would I do anything to make her feel that her looks are important. I hate that young girls these days are so focused on looks when they should not even be aware of them at those young ages.

Her being on Facebook has been another bone of contention with me. First of all, below 13, you are not even supposed to be on there. But her parents are completely apathetic about it and never even check. She is friends with 20+ year olds who are talking about beer and “hump” day in a so NOT 10 year old fashion. She has boys on her friends list when that was not to be allowed…but again, they do not check.

So there are these fundamental things I straight up do not like and disagree with going on in my home and I am uncomfortable with it. And what worries me the most is that Cassidy learns everything from her sister. She mimics her, believes everything she says and wants whatever she has and wants to do whatever she does. My step daughter is a huge influence on Cassidy. Should I let go about that too??

Maybe I am supposed to be one of these moms who just placates to their kids’ every whim. Let them do, eat, say whatever they chose without consequence. Be their friend instead of their parent. Other people do it and it seems to work nicely for them. Yea, their kids grow up to be obese, lazy, inconsiderate, moron assholes…but let it go, right??

Just cheer up”. As a person who has suffered from a depression (which cannot be controlled), I have heard this throughout my life. “Really? GEE!! Thanks so much!! I was sitting here all suicidal and it never occurred to me to ‘just cheer up’!!! THANKS!!” Ummm…yea. Doesn’t work like that. And believe me as soon as I learn to cheer up and let go, you bet your ass I will do just that.

Death, abuse, heartbreak, betrayal, abandonment, addiction, homelessness, poverty, cancer surgery, anxiety, panic attacks, depression, heart condition, weight issues, false accusations, criminal history, unemployable…to name a few of all things of which I need to let go…some I have more than others..but there is still much lingering. I feel I have come through a lot. Could it have been a ton worse?? Of course!! Way worse. I have had it good compared to many. But these are my own demons I need to wade through. And I do think that at 36, for what I have experienced, I am doing fairly well. I am so far from perfect. I can’t say I will ever be there. And I so want to improve ten fold. But please, I do not want anyone to think I have not tried my ass off to ‘let go’.

But it is becoming more and more clear that no matter which words I use, what feelings I display – I still look like a fool, a bitch or a whiny spoiled baby. So I guess I just need to stop sharing so much. I cannot take the extra stress of being taken the wrong way with each word. I am constantly misunderstood, taken out of context and bashed. I just don’t need it.

But I have to wonder…those of you who sit there and judge as you read my writing…if you were to put your most honest, genuine, authentic self in words…what would others think of you? How would YOU be judged?

No, I do not write with the intention or the desire to be patted on the back, felt sorry for or a good job announcement. NO WAY. I simply write how I feel and what I think. And my intentions are none other than cathartic, to get the truth out and to possibly show others they are not alone. That is it. But I am sick of consistently being made to feel I am this big pain in the ass. If you don’t want to hear my “whining” don’t fuckin’ read it I guess. But regardless, I need to think about stopping this “honesty sharing” because it seems to be causing more stress for me than I can take on right now.

Sorry I am not a bubbly, cheery party girl. That was never me and will never be me. This is what you get. And I hate to say it…but if you don’t like it…bye.

Advertisements

About Heather Rayne

I am a mom, wife, writer, volunteer, eater of food, lover of animals and avid TV enthusiast. I am opinionated, honest, compassionate and sensitive. I can also be difficult, hard headed and emotional. I consider myself to have a great sense of humor and am very attracted to that in others. I am striving to live an authentic life. I am attempting to learn how to find happiness in the now. I always have hope to be a better person. That being said - I can be vulgar, negative and even a little bitchy at times. I say what I mean and my filter is often dysfunctional. With me, what you see is what you get. I have strong opinions and am quick to speak my mind. This can cause problems from time to time but I do not ever intend to hurt or offend anyone. With that - be warned. I do hope you enjoy my site. Thanks for visiting and have a swell day.

What's on your mind?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s