Monday June 28, 2010

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Last night I had a dream about this guy I went out with shortly before I met my husband. It was a weird dream, nothing to speak of…that isn’t what is on my mind.

I met Patrick on one of those joke producing dating websites. Matchmaker.com I do believe. He was one of the first people I found on there whose info/interview I found mentally attractive. My friend/boss at the time, Angie, talked me into contacting him. I was lonely, single for a long time and wasn’t too shy at that time. So, without hesitation, I sent him a message. He was an actor in Milwaukee’s theatre scene. His sense of humor was a perfect match and our interests were quite compatible. I was excited. For some reason, he felt the same…for about five minutes. In the next month or two we dated. We would see each other on the weekends, and even then he was VERY busy. Not only was he acting; but he was also working as a set designer/builder…did theatre lighting gigs…he was simply always working. And he clearly loved it. It was obvious that this would be the number one love and priority in his life for a long, long time. I was okay with that even though, at that time, I was pretty desperate for a serious, committed relationship. I was in my later 20s and living alone. I wouldn’t say I even fell “in love” with Patrick. There just wasn’t enough time for that. But I was…I guess one could call it…quite taken with him. He had mentioned moving to Chicago. It seemed a likely plan for him. I also found that he was still searching on Matchmaker.com – my friend mentioned above saw that he was still active on there and warned me about it. I pretty much knew at that point that he ‘just wasn’t that into me’. One weekend day we went out to my parent’s house with my brother and his wife. We drove separately since he needed to leave for Milwaukee after. I was riding home with my brother as Patrick was trailing behind. As we went east, he turned north. And I never saw him again. He called or emailed at some point and broke it off. I can’t remember the words…they all sounded the same at that point in my life. And really all it meant was – bahhh-bye.

A month or two goes by and I received an email from Patrick. He had seen me driving on the freeway, of all places, on my way to work. He asked if I wanted to make another try of things. I had met Charlie a couple weeks earlier and we were already pretty exclusive by that point. It was HARD…because I really liked this guy…but I had to tell him the truth and that I couldn’t. It hurt in my tummy.

Years go by…about 6 or so. I am married with a child and I get a request on Facebook…or was it Myspace?? Anyway, I received a friend request and of course, I accepted. I looked over his info and pictures and all of that. He was now in LA pursuing his acting dreams. He has a page on IMDB even and seems to be doing very well in life. My first reaction was pure jealousy and regret.

Throughout my entire childhood I was convinced I would be up at that Oscar podium one day giving my thank you speech. It was always a dream…but one I never pursued. I always figured it was an impossible dream…ridiculous to even consider. So here I was in a life I didn’t expect or desire – much like I have written about in the past. And he was out there living the exciting, glamorous life in Hollywood doing all the things I convinced myself were pipe dreams…never to be realized. For a couple moments, I really regretted my decision that one day when I told him I couldn’t see him.

I see some of his posts now. I snooped through pictures and even his girlfriend’s website. She is also an actor – among many other talents. Reading her bio, she sounds like a complete perfect package. I could have never been that to him anyway and I know any relationship we may have pursued would have never lasted forever. I guess he was out of my league that way. I was never highly ambitious. I was never the prettiest girl in the room. His girlfriend is like some kind of yoga expert too…at the time I knew him…I smoked like a chimney, drank like a fish, rolled doobies and ate nothing but chicken flavored Raman Noodles. Anyway, going through her website practically made ME fall in love with her. Bitch. LOL. So, I am sure they are very happy. Just one of those perfect looking, talented, world by the balls kind of couples that make you wanna barf. I hid him for a while on Facebook – which means his updates wouldn’t show on my page…I wouldn’t see them – because I was feeling so down about myself and choices I have made in life – his posts made me feel even more regretful. But then I one day lost all of my FB friends accidentally and he re-requested me shortly after. I was quite surprised he would even notice. He never responds to anything, ANYTHING I say…even when I comment on his posts. Not that I care, but I was surprised he noticed my missing posts. I have not hidden him since. He’s smile is cute and his updates are funny, so hiden no longer 🙂

I still sometimes wonder how different my life would be if I had responded to his last email differently. But then I quickly realize that I would have been likely left alone in a big expensive city with no real talent or good looks. I am pretty sure that situation would have sucked even worse than what I deal with day to day. That pops me back into reality fairly quickly.

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Busy weekend. Friday Charlie came home and rushed to get the boat out. He and his brother took the kids for a couple hours while I got to have some quite time. NICE!!

Saturday morning I babysat for my darling niece, Abby. In the afternoon we decided to take the boat out while the kids went to the zoo with Charlie’s mom. We were out for an hour or two, but by the time we had to meet the kids (they were dropped off at the boat) it started looking like rain and we came back to shore and went home. After cleaning up, we went to a new tapas restaurant for dinner. And after we made a quick run through Greekfest. Grabbed some baked yummies, the kids went on a couple rides and finally, we headed home.

Sunday, the kids went to my stepfather’s company picnic with my parents. While they were there Charlie and I decided to go to Applebee’s for a beer before going to Victoria’s Secret to find me a new bra. While I was sipping my pina colada and Charlie, his beer; the power went out. Weird thing was, about one minute prior I looked out the window and “power outage” went through my mind. It was dark…they were all scrambling…it was kinda funny. We finished our drinks and left. Of course, the mall’s power was out as well so no new VS bra for me. Instead we went to Kohl’s and I wanted to get measured since I lost almost 30 pounds. I waited for SO long as she helped an elderly woman in a wheelchair find a 44 A. Clearly, this was going to be a while. By the time it was my turn she brought me into the room and she proceeded to measure me. Always such a comfortable situation…not. Then she says it out loud. 38D. WHAT??!! That is exactly the same. How can I lose 27 pounds and have the same exact boob size?? I teared up. I was so disappointed. I was looking forward to finally being able to fit into one of the cute smaller bras…something sexy…not grandma style. But nope. I am telling you….if I ever win the lottery…I am getting that surgery FOR SURE!! This is yet only one more reason I despise shopping.

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So, it has now been announced that President Obama will be in Racine on Wednesday. I am quite excited. My husband’s friend who is quite involved in local politics is going to try to get us in as volunteers.In fact, I just received an email he forwarded from a White House worker and I sent her our information. Hopefully I will be writing later with good news. Otherwise, tickets are being given out tomorrow morning. I have no idea how early I should get there…how busy it will be. I really want to be there. They are giving each person up to 2 tickets. Not sure how much room is in Memorial Hall, where he will be speaking in a Town Hall forum. Hopefully I get there in time!!

So, this will be quite the busy week. Appointments, getting tickets, waiting for Obama as no one knows what TIME he will be here, this weekend is the 4th already – cookout here, parade, fireworks…and then the next weekend we are headed up north. Busy busy. Also, the Write-a-Thon starts on the 5th so during all of this I need to find time to write my booty off.

Well, better get movin movin movin…..talk at ya later.

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About Heather Rayne

I am a mom, wife, writer, volunteer, eater of food, lover of animals and avid TV enthusiast. I am opinionated, honest, compassionate and sensitive. I can also be difficult, hard headed and emotional. I consider myself to have a great sense of humor and am very attracted to that in others. I am striving to live an authentic life. I am attempting to learn how to find happiness in the now. I always have hope to be a better person. That being said - I can be vulgar, negative and even a little bitchy at times. I say what I mean and my filter is often dysfunctional. With me, what you see is what you get. I have strong opinions and am quick to speak my mind. This can cause problems from time to time but I do not ever intend to hurt or offend anyone. With that - be warned. I do hope you enjoy my site. Thanks for visiting and have a swell day.

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