Monday June 21, 2010

Standard

This weekend was a literal boat load of emotions. I am still worn out and drained.

On Thursday night Charlie worked a double shift so that he could take the day off on Friday in hopes to take the boat out. Unfortunately, the weather was too unpredictable and later in the day there was a good sized storm. So, on Friday I did some shopping and we prepared for the next day and did pretty much nothing else.

Saturday, by 10:30am, we were on the lake. It was a very busy weekend at North Beach. There were professional volleyball tournaments and national jet ski races. I made some snacks and sandwiches and we headed out with Cassidy with the plans of meeting people down there. A couple of Charlie’s friends from work, Richie (and his wife Jane) and Ryan (with his wife…I mean friend, Josh – haha – JOKING). Kendra and Rob also met us down there. And early in the morning while we were still alone, Charlie ran into his old friend Tyler. We took him out tubing and his wife, Kris and their 2 girls came along for the ride. It was a long, but nice day. The weather was perfect – 80s and breezy, yet no waves. Cassidy played in the sand for hours creating her own Cassidy-made lake. But yes, it was a nice day. I will be posting pictures today. Here is video of Richie skiing:

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Sunday, Father’s Day, was not so nice. Charlie claimed it was the worst Father’s Day he ever had. And if that is so, everyone should be jealous of his life. He wanted to go to breakfast, but I woke up with a bad tummy ache and there was no way I could eat…much less get up and moving by 8am. He picked up Mackenzie and took the girls – he swore to me he didn’t mind. I had asked if he could wait until lunch, but he wanted breakfast. They were back in one hour. I can admit that I have not been the most pleasant person to live with lately. I have been super stressed out and quite depressed. And Father’s Day is always shitty for me because I am forced to think about my dad. So, I was not a bowl of sunshine yesterday. But I didn’t do anything to try and start a fight. Truly. Yet, that is what happened. Every time we would try to “talk” it would turn into an argument. It just wasn’t working.

One of the things which was creating some trouble was trying to plan for a short trip up north in July. He wants to go when his dad and step mom are going which is the weekend of the 9th. However, that is the same week in which I was supposed to be participating in a fundraiser. It is being run by Racine Public Library. HERE is the information on it. And HERE is the RPL’s letter about it. Anyway, between July 5th (which is also the day Racine is celebrating Independence Day – parade and fireworks – because of the 4th falling on a Sunday. It is really stupid IMO…but, anyway…) and the 11th, each participant is supposed to write as much as they can. Then the sponsors would pay per quantity either by piece or by word…whatever was negotiated. The funds are raised for half to go to the library and the other half to the participant. I thought this was a perfect opportunity for me to start writing again (like, real writing…not blogging) and even just to DO SOMETHING. But now, I am worried because instead of having 7 days to write…I will likely have 2 or 3. And that is most definately NOT uninterrupted time.

I also have to find someone to take care of Bob (my uber dependant cat) and the cabin will is only 2 bedrooms and not air conditioned. There will be 4 adults and our 2 girls. Needless to say, I am sure, it is not a vacation for me. Pretty much the same ole daily job I do 24/7 as it is yet, in a less comfortable place. I am fine with going, its just that with all of that…it is stressing me out!! He got frustrated with my being stressed and just walked away. I sent him the following email:


I’ve barely gotten any replies for sponsors and I am so friggin stressed out I can’t even think of things to write about anyway so I mind as well just skip the stupid contest anyway. A couple times a year you get to go away and forget about the stresses of life for a while. But I never get to do that. Going up north is certainly going to be more work than at home even, so that definitely isn’t a break. Do you have any suggestions on how I can get some free time so I don’t completely lose my mind? I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel so stuck and unhappy. I have nothing in my life I look forward to. I can’t stand feeling like this anymore and it is making me the most unhappy person. I will never be able to be a good wife or mom feeling this bad. I just want to cry like 95% of the time. Like I said, I just don’t know what to do.

I try to explain to him how bad I feel half the time and he doesn’t get it. I know he doesn’t understand depression and that is fine. I can’t expect him to and I don’t. But I do expect to be treated kindly and with love. A few hours went by and he was laying next to me in bed goofing on the computer while we were watching tv. I had asked him if he read my email. He asked if it was the one where I was depressed because I haven’t gotten many sponsor replies. WHAT?? When did I ever say that? Clearly he had not read the small paragraph I had written him. Which I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. He doesn’t read anything I write on here…why an email? So I said that it hurt my feelings that he couldn’t even read a couple of sentences. So he then YELLS at me, “There. You have something else to complain about. Are you happy?” What. The. Fuck. I grabbed a blanket and slept on the couch for the rest of the night.

During the night I had such a realistic dream and it is still invading my brain. I was in a hospital room and I was watching my dad die. Much like what happened in real life, but different. I was yelling into the machine which was keeping him alive (this was not the case in real life) begging for him not to die. And then it started switching between my dad and Charlie. So at times it was Charlie dying and other times it was my dad. Then, I am all of a sudden visiting my friend Has in her apartment in Milwaukee. Some strange part of Milwaukee I have never seen. She had a funny, loud, male roommate who called the city “Greenfieldonia” LOL. I have no clue. Anyway, I was staying there or something because I was cleaning around the place and I had sent the kids off to school from there. Then Has’s brother, Jiro, who is actually an ex boyfriend (we broke up shortly after my father died in 1997). We were together 3 years. Anyway, he showed up. We hugged tightly and teared up, the both of us, as we told each other how much we missed one another and then we both said “I love you so much.” There was an intense feeling of joy and relief. Like every bad feeling was gone. The emotions seemed so real, I can still feel them. I have these kinds of dreams about him, I dunno, maybe a couple times a year. We are either reuniting happily or crying and saying goodbye forever and it is like I can touch it how palatable these dreams seem to be. Then Jiro started morphing into Charlie. It was Jiro, but he started having Charlie mannerisms and talking like Charlie. That is when it ended as I woke up to the REAL Charlie grinding coffee beans.

This morning he sat next to me and said he loved me and he was sorry we were fighting. Not sorry for anything he did or didn’t do…but that we were fighting yesterday. He said he doesn’t know how to handle these moods I get in. I understand that. But I also don’t know how to live with such coldness either. OR all the fucking shit I have to put up with for simply being his wife.

I am stuck in a life which I never could have predicted. I have many things to be grateful for and please never thing my gratitude is non-existent. It is very much there. But I am also very sad about where I am at this point in my life. I have no real passion or joy or contentment or pride. I am working on it and I am doing everything I know how. So far, it just isn’t working. It is not like this always. But it is like this too often. I need something. SOMEthing.

On one more last note as I get moving here…I have now lost about 28 lbs total since March 1st. I did a detox diet (I will paste below) for 3 days last week. I lost about 4 lbs during those 3 days and it jump started a plateau I had sit a while back. Only thing is…and this is TMI FYI…but TOM is any day now and the WORST time to measure or weigh. So, I wont really be able to tell much for a few days yet. Anyway, I am happy about that. But I miss food and I still HATE exercise and have another 10 to lose to get back to pre-baby weight.

Each day, be sure to drink a half ounce of water for every pound you weigh. (Example: if you weigh 160 lbs, drink 80 oz. of water or ten 8-oz. cups.) As with any new plan, get your doctor’s okay before you begin.

 

DAY 1

UPON ARISING
Hot-Metabolism Cocktail* see recipe below

MIDMORNING SNACK
2 eggs, hard-boiled

NOON
4 oz. grilled chicken breast, 2 cups mixed greens, 1 Tbs. flax oil, fresh lemon to taste.

MIDAFTERNOON SNACK
Hot-Metabolism Cocktail

DINNER
4 oz. broiled halibut, 2 cups steamed broccoli

BEFORE BEDTIME SNACK
Hot-Metabolism Cocktail

 

DAY 2

UPON ARISING
Hot-Metabolism Cocktail

MIDMORNING SNACK
2 eggs, hard-boiled

NOON
4 oz. baby shrimp, ? cucumber, diced, 1 tomato, diced, 1 scallion, diced, 1 Tbs. olive oil and fresh lemon to taste.

MIDAFTERNOON SNACK
Hot-Metabolism Cocktail

DINNER
4 oz salmon with fresh lemon and sliced onions to taste, 2 cups green beans, steamed

BEFORE BEDTIME SNACK
Hot-Metabolism Cocktail

 

DAY 3

UPON ARISING
Hot-Metabolism Cocktail

MIDMORNING SNACK
2 eggs, hard-boiled

NOON
4 oz. grilled chicken, diced, 1 scallion, chopped, 1 clove garlic, chopped, 2 Tbs. fat-free yogurt, cumin and fresh lemon juice to taste. Serve over 2 cups lettuce.

MIDAFTERNOON SNACK
Hot-Metabolism Cocktail

DINNER
4 oz. grilled tuna steak, 2 cups asparagus spears, steamed.

BEFORE BEDTIME SNACK
Hot-Metabolism Cocktail

 

Hot-Metabolism Cocktail

3 Tbs. fresh squeezed lime juice
1 medium vine-ripe tomato 
1/2 cup chopped cilantro, loosely packed
2 Tbs. fresh chives 
1/2  cup filtered water
2 tsp. extra-virgin olive oil 
1/2 clove of garlic
Dash of cayenne
Pinch of potassium-based salt substitute
3-4 ice cubes

Blend all ingredients for approximately 1 minute on high speed in blender.
Yield: 12 ounces

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About Heather Rayne

I am a mom, wife, writer, volunteer, eater of food, lover of animals and avid TV enthusiast. I am opinionated, honest, compassionate and sensitive. I can also be difficult, hard headed and emotional. I consider myself to have a great sense of humor and am very attracted to that in others. I am striving to live an authentic life. I am attempting to learn how to find happiness in the now. I always have hope to be a better person. That being said - I can be vulgar, negative and even a little bitchy at times. I say what I mean and my filter is often dysfunctional. With me, what you see is what you get. I have strong opinions and am quick to speak my mind. This can cause problems from time to time but I do not ever intend to hurt or offend anyone. With that - be warned. I do hope you enjoy my site. Thanks for visiting and have a swell day.

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