Thursday June 17, 2010

Standard

Yesterday when Kenzie’s mom came to pick her up, Charlie went outside to see her off. They were all (both kids and them) were standing in the driveway. Kenzie’s mom informs Charlie that Kenzie will be going to her sister’s house on her days in the summer. All because I sent her a list of the summer rules (for the kids) I suppose. On Monday I wrote a list of rules and consequences for the kids during the summer. They were very basic things, things that are common sense really. The kids were fine with it and started behaving better once we read them. I sent a copy to Charlie and Katie to inform them of what was expected and what consequence they would be receiving if and when misbehaving. A couple hours later, she responded with an email telling me since I cannot handle them, she could go to her sister EVERYday this summer. Of course there was no way in hell Charlie would EVER allow this (he HATES her sister big time). We went back and forth being equally as snippy with each other. I had really had it. It was a list of rules and I didn’t deserve a slap in the face like that. I then wrote her a long letter which I will paste below:


I can be judgmental, defensive and overly sensitive. I have felt my parenting skills to be criticized by many though out the past 9 years. Be it people lying about me, thinking I am too strict, misunderstanding me, accused of things or being talked about behind my back. Charlie grew up in a family where he was allowed to do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. They seem to have a mindset that if you stick your head in the sand long enough, the world may just really turn into marshmallows and rainbows. This is the opposite of me. Because of this, I have been criticized (usually behind my back). When I first met Charlie some of his family and friends would say negative things about you to me. I knew right then that they would be doing the same thing to me.

Then there is another group of people who think I am a complete moron for either talking to you, watching Mackenzie ever or even staying in this marriage. Every day that Mackenzie is in my house, I have the chance of being falsely accused of something and I could lose my child…and subsequently my life. I was a thread away from suicide the last time. I could never go thru it again. So, I am judged by choosing to keep things basically the same as they were before. They do not understand what it is like to know a child from babyhood and then just say BYE…nope I will have nothing to do with her. How many people could really do that. Yet, people think I should. And criticize me for not.

The people close to me don’t really criticize so much, but shrug their shoulders because they have no clue how to advise me to make things better. They see me stuck in a situation where very little options are available.


You are not the only one who gets criticism. I wanted you to know that. You are not the only one to feel pressure.


I set a high standard for myself and because of that, I am usually disappointed. I tend to do this with others as well. I expect a lot of people and when they do not behave in a way I see as the only appropriate way, it frustrates me. I see kids in the store acting like disrespectful fools, swearing, pushing strangers…I immediately have distain for the parents. One trip to Walmart and I can roll my eyes about 1700 times. So when I start to see certain things in my own life, home…it goes a step beyond and I get angry.


Charlie expects a lot from me and pretty much has since day one. And he cant even remember all I did to take care of Kenzie when she was young. If it didn’t happen last week, he doesn’t remember. In fact, the other night he accused me of throwing a fit right before he was going to propose. He had already told me the story of your and his engagement years ago. I sat up and told him that was Katie and not me. He clearly felt embarrassed or whatever and walked away for awhile. Stuff like that kills me. Its like I can’t be my own person in this relationship or something. So I have a lot of pressure in my life and am pulled in so many different directions. And this has been for so long, a person can only take so much.


Because of these things, along with obvious events which still plague me to this day, the bitterness and frustration are building instead of diminishing. You always claim that I think I am perfect. That could not be further from the truth. I have A LOT of shit that needs fixing. I am trying EVERYthing I can to do that.


Yesterday I was only sending you guys the list of rules so you know what I am expecting this summer and what the consequences will be. I did not tell you to do the same, that wasn’t my intention. But I was hoping we could all be on the same page to some degree. When you wrote back with the response you wrote…I FEEL that you knew the reaction you would get. I took it as a smack in the face. Like "If you can’t handle it then she will go to Audrey’s" when I know that you know Charlie and I would NOT like that one bit. Again, I felt it was simply a slap in the face. I should have let it go there.


I was hoping we could get past all this and that things might be comfortable again one day. But I can see the resentment and distain is too heavy. I do not know where my road is going to take me. And I am sure you would just love to see my marriage fail. But I know whatever happens, I cannot live like this anymore. If you choose to make the poor choices in your and Mackenzie’s life, so be it. There is nothing I can do about it and I need to let it go. It is sad when I see things that could really screw up the rest of her (and even your) life. But I have no control and need to let it go. I need to become more of a babysitter and less of a parent where Mackenzie is concerned. Otherwise, it hurts too much. Causes too many problems and frustration. And it is clear we cannot speak without drama and fighting. That is not healthy for anyone and I need it out of my life.


I have told you some things that I have been thru in my life, but you might know 20% of what I have been thru since I was very young. I have pains to heal from LONG ago. I cannot fill my mind and suck up my energy with this anymore. Between us, some things are my fault…others yours. I am no longer keeping score as you see things VERY differently from me and it is pointless. In my heart I have to say goodbye to Kenzie as one of my kids. You have no clue what that feels like. I have known for some time that I needed to do this and I just didn’t (and really don’t) know how. This is also what has caused much resentment. But it has to be done before I lose all sanity.


So, I suppose from now on all communication needs to be between you and Charlie. Which ultimately makes me sad because it didn’t need to be this way. But it is clearly best. And I think I have said everything I have needed or wanted to say in the past years. You know where I stand and what I think. And it is clear that those things don’t matter to you. So, I am out of it now. You and Charlie can deal with your child. Who knows…maybe one day you guys can even get back together and be a happy family.


Please take care. And please know that all I ever wanted was what I thought was best. For the past 9 years, I have done the very best I knew how.


She never responded, which was fine. She never contacted Charlie. Fine. So she makes this announcement in the driveway and Charlie said that I had plans for taking them to the park tomorrow (today). So she said, ok, but she would be going there Friday. Charlie comes in the house and tells me what happened. I said to him to get on the phone now and tell her it most certainly will start tomorrow (today) and WILL be for the entire summer. I will not keep going back and forth with this manipulative bullshit anymore. He finally got a hold of her. She wasn’t answering because apparently they were in the dressing room as they were shopping. Yes, shopping. She owes everyone and their grandmother tons of money…but she can continue to constantly shop. It baffles me. Anyway, she was yelling so loud on the phone that I could hear from quite a distance. They argued for a while and he did stand up for me, told her he wasn’t going to sit and listen to her talk shit about me then he asked how the schedule was going to work and got off the phone.

So, she will be going to her aunt’s on Thursdays and Fridays. She is very excited I am sure. I do not believe they have any structure or discipline there. She will likely be able to eat all the Doritos and Mt Dew she wants. Of course she’d rather be there!! Der. This woman told me that I needed the Lord in my life. Yet, she behaves worse than most ppl I know. There is nothing worse than a hypocritical Catholic in my opinion. Jesus this Jesus that. YET her and her oh so Christian mother taught Mackenzie how to pull the wings off of live flies when she was like 4. When she was 8, this aunt told her that Obama was a baby killer. She’s 8!! So, she thought he indeed went around killing babies. And this is while Charlie is campaigning for him. What does THAT put in her head?? I could write more here, but I am holding back. Let’s just say this woman and her husband whom Charlie has never met will not be good influences on Kenzie whatsoever. BUT it isn’t my responsibility anymore. I really am done.

There is so much I leave out of these blogs (hard to believe, I know). Things I want so badly for people to know so the full truth is seen, but I have to leave some personal things about others private. Know that you do not know the full story here…Her mother’s and some of her family member’s behaviors is even worse than I can describe. It is crazy and I cannot have it in my life anymore.

Monday was mine and Charlie’s 7th anniversary. We spent the night arguing because of the stress she has caused in our lives. There is NO way I will let this woman affect my life in a negative way any longer. I tried for years to be civil, friendly and helpful. I was ALWAYS there when she needed help. ALWAYS. She came to me with numerous problems and I was the only one there for her to talk to. This is even after her false accusations. I do and did not deserve any of this shit which has been thrown at me.

This woman single handedly destroyed the relationship I have been creating with this child since she was 14 months old. I felt for a long time, she was simply one of my kids too. I loved her the same. Now, she will barely look at me. I am nothing to her. When she was little, she used to ask me if she lived in my belly. That was because I was the only one being a mother to her for so long. Her mom is a friend, not a mother. A friend. At 10 years old. It is nauseating. I am so angry about her ripping this child out of my heart and me out of hers. I don’t know that I will ever be able to forgive that.

There is one more thing I want to talk about before I get my ass up. Well, there are several things, but I will have to write more later. Anyway, I was taking a look the other day and noticed that all of Charlie’s relatives are friends with this woman on Facebook. Have they requested me? No to 98% of them. They are on HER friend’s list. Not mine. Know that her and Charlie were married for less than a year, married only because she got knocked up (could have been a couple different fathers) and they have been divorced for over 10 years which is LONG before Facebook. Now lets get this straight…she cheated on him many times. Once with his best friend. She left him about 200 times. Spent ALL of his money numerous times. Cleaned out the bank account when he went up north one weekend. She raises his daughter like shit. She talks about everyone behind their backs. She put our family through pure HELL when her and her fucked up family accused me of child abuse. Yet, they want to be friends with HER. Maybe I should behave like that and THEN they will think I am worthy?? They rarely say a single word to me even at family functions. If they say anything to Charlie, it is snide and rude. Yet they treat his brother like gold..do not understand. Charlie is more worthy of respect than ANYone in that family as far as I am concerned.

So honestly, I have had it with the whole lot of people who came along in Charlie’s baggage when he met me. He is pretty sick of it too, I can tell. We need to move away from all of this. All of these people. Everyday I am having a more and more difficult time holding my tongue and some day soon I will explode. Fuck em. I don’t deserve to be treated that way and neither does Charlie. If they cannot handle me because I have opinions. If they hate me because I stick up for myself and my family. If they do not like how I have a mind of my own…then seriously, fuck em.

That is all for now. Have more to discuss, but I need to get some things accomplished before we go to the park today. Talk at ya later J

P.S. To those who have been supportive and understanding – THANK YOU. You cannot know how much it helps get thru the rough times and how much I appreciate it so much!!!

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About Heather Rayne

I am a mom, wife, writer, volunteer, eater of food, lover of animals and avid TV enthusiast. I am opinionated, honest, compassionate and sensitive. I can also be difficult, hard headed and emotional. I consider myself to have a great sense of humor and am very attracted to that in others. I am striving to live an authentic life. I am attempting to learn how to find happiness in the now. I always have hope to be a better person. That being said - I can be vulgar, negative and even a little bitchy at times. I say what I mean and my filter is often dysfunctional. With me, what you see is what you get. I have strong opinions and am quick to speak my mind. This can cause problems from time to time but I do not ever intend to hurt or offend anyone. With that - be warned. I do hope you enjoy my site. Thanks for visiting and have a swell day.

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