Friday June 4, 2010

Standard

This morning I took Cassidy to school because her class won a contest and the reward was that they got to throw water balloons at their principal for his last day before moving on to another position in Unified. The kids LOVED it. I was thinking of not going…it is so cold and rainy today. But she begged and so clearly, I had to. I am glad I did. Cassidy had lots of fun and it was actually fun to watch them. Mr. Russo, their principal, was such a good sport. You can tell he is a good guy. Anyway, I made a video and took some pics…they are in a blog from earlier today.

I noticed that it seemed quite a few of the parents knew each other. I couldn’t help but feel guilty because I was never able to be class mom for a day. I think all the other mom’s or dad’s have. I mentioned in a blog back in October that I was not able to participate in that or any field trips or anything involving interaction with the other kids in a classroom setting because I do not have a Wings Form on file. The reason I do not is because when I went to fill out the application I discovered I would be denied due to the felony child abuse charge on my criminal history. Yes, I could fight it…explaining the long, personal story to a bunch of people who will be in charge of my child’s education for the next 13 years. I could tell them the whole story and hope they see the truth – that I was, am or never will be a child abuser and the allegations were ridiculous and malicious. But I am not sure if I can verbally express the toll that takes on me. If people ask me about it, I don’t really even explain anymore. I just offer them my written story to read. Every time I have to tell a new person – someone of authority, be it an attorney, an interviewer, a teacher – it peels the wound open again. So, in the future, perhaps I will take it up with Unified in hopes for some kind of appeal. But for now, I just don’t want to face all that without really knowing whether it would even do any good.

The other day as I was checking Mackenzie’s school work, I found a paper in her folder that had her mom’s name on it…a flier, not something I opened (for the friggin record lol). It was an invitation to a Thank You Party for parents whom have volunteered at the school through out the year. She was given this invitation because she went on ONE field trip with Mackenzie this school year. It was to her place of employment during an excursion downtown. Had her work not been involved, she wouldn’t have even gone. Regardless, it just boiled up inside me again. Here she is getting a little paper award for being this great involved parent while I cannot even attend a field trip. Yet, I am the one who makes sure she is proper for school, has her homework finished, feeds her homemade dinners, pays for her field trips, signs all the paperwork, gets all the supplies…pretty much anything involving her schooling is on me. If it wasn’t, it wouldn’t get done. But sure, give her the award. I will just continue receiving the insults.

This morning it was raining. When it is raining, I always drive the kids to the bus stop. I also do this almost every day in the winter. Yet today…on a pretty calm drizzle of a morning…her mom calls here to make sure I am going to drive her and not make her walk. WTH?? I have been doing this for like 5 years now. It is so insulting to me. I don’t get it. What the F have I done to deserve this crap?

I will say that about a week ago Charlie’s ex emailed me. I will not say everything so to keep some privacy, but she apologized for how she has been the last few months, said something was going on in her life and that she did appreciate what I do for Mackenzie. I have been told not to be fooled, that she maybe just not wanting to have to pay for daycare over the summer or something like that. I took it with a grain of salt. Actions speak louder than words. And for me, I can barely even absorb words anymore. Sorries mean nothing if the behaviors remain the same. So, I hope for the best…but it is just a wait and see thing I guess.

I know, I said I wouldn’t be discussing this stuff much on here anymore. But this isn’t delving into personal lives of others – this is what is in my heart and mind right now. So be it.

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Last weekend was Memorial Day weekend and it was packed full for lazy people like us!!! Saturday we went down to North Beach in the boat. But the water was SO choppy I felt as though I was going to barf the whole time. Plus the water was freezing the children’s skin off LOL. It was DAYUM cold. So, when our friend’s Kendra and Rob met us down there, we decided to go out to Eagle Lake which is about 30 mins inland – in the county. Well, boy, that was an awesome decision. It was like 15 degrees warmer, the water was tolerable, the lake was virtually empty and quite calm. Aside from a couple dorky water cops givin’ us the what what…it was a very relaxing day. I will be putting up pictures.

On Sunday, we went to my parent’s house for a cookout. Just the immediate fam. The kids played on the Slip N Slide, we ate some food and chatted it up for a couple hours. It was a nice day!!

Monday we went to Charlie’s dad’s house for a cookout (yea, diet wasn’t working to well for me those days lol). We didn’t stay long and finally got home to relax for the new week ahead.

This weekend I hope for little to no plans and a bunch of laziness. Perhaps a movie.

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So, I have been having those feeling sorry for myself feelings again this week. While at the picnic Monday, it was asked what I was going to do next year when Cassidy is in school all day. I said I really didn’t know. My brother in law, who was joking around, said, “…well…there are these things that people do everyday when they wake up in the morning…they’re called j-o-b-s.” I am afraid I did not react kindly to his teasing. I said something about him trying to find a job with a felony charge…and I may have used a swear word or two. And then this past Wednesday I kept thinking it was Thursday. I had written something to that affect on my Facebook status and a friend of mine asked why Fridays would mean anything to me. There was a little back and forth…as she is a mom who works outside of the home and also has it stressful. Well, here is part of that convo…(me in italics)

 

I think we all have the tendency to think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. I know I do. Heather and I have commented to one another about wanting the other’s life where the job/SAHM thing is concerned. True, I can’t understand Heather looking forward to Friday. I know she has the kids during the week while Charlie’s at work… See More but Kenzie goes to school full days and Cassidy goes half-days (i think) 4 days a week. I look at it as Heather (and any other SAHM with school age children) having 3 hours all to herself 4 days a week – no hubby, no kids. I never get that. I would love to have 3 hours to myself even once a week but unless I take a vacation day there’s not a chance. Funny thing is, I never thought I would want to be a SAHM. I always figured on being a working mom but I’m finding the "adult conversation" isn’t really worth it.


 


I know, it seems a lot easier to some ppl. I kinda described it in a post yesterday as I was talking about this with a counselor. Brandi Carlile quote, "All of my friends who think I am blessed, they dont know my head is a mess…" holds very true to me here.

 

Heather, I think your quote holds true for a lot of us. I know it does for me. I once asked an old friend if he was happy and he said, "by all outward appearances, I should be." When he said that I thought the same thing about my life – married, beautiful daughter, own home, job where I make more $ than I ever thought I would – but, the stress … See Morethat goes along with all that is unbearable. Trying to work a 40 hr + job, keep up with the house/yard work, be a good mom to Taylor and find some time for myself is just impossible. I actually just applied for a job that pays $15,000 less a year in the hopes that some of my work stress will be alleviated. Again, the grass is always greener – you said, "I know, it seems a lot easier to some ppl." but on the flip side you view other people’s lives seem easier. It’s said that we can’t just be happy with the hands we’ve been dealt.

 


When I started staying home about 8 years ago (Kenzie didn’t have preschool or K4) I thought it would be great. But it really started to increase the depression especially after what happened legally. And I never intended it to be forever. I was about to enter school for social work until the school counselor told me I would never get hired with my record. Social work, school counselor, teaching…that is pretty much all I was planning on examining. So all those were suddenly off the table. Now, at 36, I have no clue what I want to be when I grow up and am completely dependant on my husband which is very humiliating. Just THAT without depression or anxiety alone is enuf to make a person feel like shit. I know I have more "free" time than others. But until this year, I didn’t. And during those hours I am too guilty to use them for my own enjoyment. I never go out to lunch or sit on the couch watching TV or shopping for new clothes. I pay bills, make appointments, argue with insurance companies, laundry, clean up after the kids

, from morning, make home cooked meal most nights, exercise my ass off, dealing with the ex in some capacity, yada yada…I know working moms have that to do besides and really DO feel bad for the moms whose husbands do not help. Charlie doesn’t have to help alot with house stuff, but he still does sometimes (he is more anal than I) and if I was working, he definitely would. So, yea, I have a home, nice car, boat (none of which are paid for) cute kids, a helpful husband and a life which would seem ideal for most. But to be honest, most days are a struggle to simply get out of bed, to get dressed and to even be present for my family. This is not the life I expected, wanted or dreamed of. I wanted to accomplish something. Feel worth in my daily life. See that I was going somewhere. Without those, a person can feel very empty. So I do have more free time…but unfortunately it is spent feeling like a worthless piece of shit. I know certain ppl in my life see me in a light which is COMPLETELY false simply because I stay home during the day. They talk shit behind my back, say things to make me feel like a loser, think I am spoiled…when in reality, I wouldn’t wish the way I feel most days on my worst enemy. Well, maybe my worst 😉 Next year things will be different and I am already stressing about what I am going to do with my days. This past weekend my BIL said to that quandary, "There is this thing people do everyday…its called getting a job…" It was all I could do not to cry right there in front of everyone. I am realizing that there is really no way I am ever going to get anyone to understand. And yes, a felony charge on your record when half the population is unemployed…it is virtually impossible to get hired. Things are not as easy as they seem. And I don’t think they seem easy for you either XXX, just for different reasons. 🙂

 


Blah blah blah…I seriously need to learn to get over this shit and get on with living a life. An old friend who now lives in Nevada wrote to me privately and explained she felt the same way even tho her circumstances are so different from mine. She wrote such a nice and thoughtful note and even offered to help out if she could. Yet she has medical problems up the ying yang, no health insurance and has so much more to deal with. Then there are 2 friends of mine who work their butts off and have autistic children they fight for daily. Wear do I get the gall to complain?? Why does my depression insist on lingering where it has no business?? I gotta get this CBT in gear and change my thinking. I am sick of time wasting by while my life is being controlled by the whims of others. That is my fault, plain and simple.

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Well, that is all for now. I have to get something accomplished today (vacuuming, laundry, dreadmill, yadayadayada……) Talk at ya later….

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About Heather Rayne

I am a mom, wife, writer, volunteer, eater of food, lover of animals and avid TV enthusiast. I am opinionated, honest, compassionate and sensitive. I can also be difficult, hard headed and emotional. I consider myself to have a great sense of humor and am very attracted to that in others. I am striving to live an authentic life. I am attempting to learn how to find happiness in the now. I always have hope to be a better person. That being said - I can be vulgar, negative and even a little bitchy at times. I say what I mean and my filter is often dysfunctional. With me, what you see is what you get. I have strong opinions and am quick to speak my mind. This can cause problems from time to time but I do not ever intend to hurt or offend anyone. With that - be warned. I do hope you enjoy my site. Thanks for visiting and have a swell day.

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