I wake in the early morning to signs of sunshine and warmth outside the window.  I try to push aside yesterday’s residual stress and negativity. I always want to begin the day anew and fresh and start all over. Why is that so difficult? I am not in a rage. I am not crying my eyes out. I am not panicking whatsoever. It’s that underlying anxiety, worry and wonder that festers seemingly without my control. It is deep enough to hide, but not ignore. I am curious about the people who wake up in the morning and are simply just happy. That’s it. Just happy. They are encouraged simply by the rise of the sun. They see each day as a clean slate and make the most of each of them. I want to be there. How do you get there? My internal GPS does not seem to know the way. But I am not above asking for directions. So, if you can point me in the right direction, I would be forever grateful.

After the news yesterday about the CPS worker who is being investigated…the same worker who was assigned my case 5 years ago…I went through all the old paperwork from the case. I never wanted to look at that green plastic binder again. But I did. And it brought back all those feelings from those years ago. The nervousness which can be felt in my belly and the racing in my heart, these physical reactions returned as if their memory was instant. I don’t want to feel that way anymore. Most people in my life believe I should go forth with hiring an attorney either for lawsuit purposes or in another attempt to get the charges off of my record. But won’t that just leave me in that same state or place of ickiness? Yet, how do I not fight for what I believe is right? Or even more, fight for my future? A huge part of me wants to go public with my whole story. Yet, there would never be assurance the whole truth would be printed. You can answer some questions…give an interview…but will they print all I say? What would be left out? How much room would there be for more judgment and ridicule? If they spoke to Charlie’s ex, who knows what she would say this week as it seems to change with the wind. And as a friend put it, do I really want to stir the pot?? I really don’t know what the best choice is here.

There was a time in my life when I was incurably independent. I was strong and relied on myself. I was smart, quick witted, and funny. I stood strongly for my beliefs and felt no fear in voicing them. Now, I feel pathetic. I depend on others financially, emotionally and even for the simplest decisions in my life. I am overly concerned with what others think – I never used to be like that. I don’t recognize myself anymore. And I really don’t like what I see.  

But I can say that I am trying. I see a therapist a couple times a month to try to get over and finally let go of past experiences. I am attempting to write more simply for the practice and to get back into that groove. I exercise nearly 2 hours most days. I have lost 13 pounds since the last week of February. I am eating much healthier. I am also making myself go out and do things even though I have to break through discomfort to do so.  But that’s where any recent accomplishments end. I cannot seem to get beyond that.

Who do I know I am? I know I am a kind hearted, compassionate person who is damaged, but fixable. I am not highly educated, but I feel I am pretty intelligent. I am spiritual even though I do not have a religion. I desperately want to live life. Really LIVE it. And want each moment to be of value. I know that is all up to me. I have much love inside although some of it seems stuck and unwilling to appear. I really am a good person. I know that. I just want to be…better.


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