Wednesday April 7, 2010

Standard

I haven’t been writing much because most of what I would be writing about, I am not “supposed” to be writing about. I shouldn’t even be focusing on it anymore quite frankly. I have been talking to some women in an online forum about my situation as well as with a new therapist and some friends and relatives. Even someone that knows my husband’s ex very, very well. There is an overwhelming consensus that I need to completely disengage from her – cut all ties, forever. And many also think I need to do this in some respect with my step daughter as well. I am not sure how possible the ladder would ever be; but I think that I do need to sever all relations with the mom. I have been letting her actions, behavior and words affect me entirely too much. Even to the point of changing my life forever with the abuse allegations. Intentional or not, she baits me into situations and conversations where I show the worst of myself, giving her complete satisfaction I am sure. I also have lowered myself to levels I have been angry with her for reaching. I can no longer allow my life to be a roller coaster with her behind the controls.

 

I need to stop having any interest, let alone concern, about what is going on at her house – regardless of how bad it could be. I have to stop caring about what she says about me to my step daughter. I have to stop caring whether or not my step daughter is being cared for properly over there. I can no longer worry about her lifestyle and poor decisions. There is and will be nothing I can ever do about any of that. Stewing and worrying is only hurting me and it aint changin’ nothin’. 

 

Another very LOUD consensus was that I should not ever any more take care of my step daughter when my husband isn’t home. This of course was the advice I received from a number of people 5 years ago. But I didn’t listen. I got somewhat comfortable again, not wanting to make waves, not having the money for daycare…many reasons really. So I just started back where I was as far as watching her any time she is not in school including every morning before school and all summer. She has been with me this week during Spring Break. Each day there has been issues so far. Day one my husband got a call complaining about something I did. Day two…same thing. I mean, it is becoming clear. But I am so mad because it just didn’t have to be this way. Why should we suffer MORE simply because of someone else’s issues? I will stomp my feet and scream “UNFAIR”…but I guess that won’t help much. Right at this moment, I just don’t know what step to take next as I fear my marriage will be in even more jeopardy.  Any suggestions or advice is very welcome!! I know I said I was going to avoid talking about this part of my life, but that is virtually impossible. But I think I have done so here w/o badmouthing anyone really. Nothing that isn’t fact or already well known. There is no way I can write about my life and leave this out. Lastly, I read this on a forum yesterday and was blown away by this woman’s insight…I just wanted to share:

 

I have been thinking a lot about how much power we as birth moms have. How our children watch us, admire us and emulate our every movement, how much they want our approval.

If I roll my eyes when I hear about something that their dad is doing, they remember this. If I only seem happy when they are complaining about their dad, they will do this complaining again and again.

If I ignore them when they do say something nice about their dad and step mom, they will not tell me again for fear of hurting my feelings.

If I say loudly enough that something is stupid, or mean, or crazy, they will also begin to believe that these things are stupid and mean or crazy.

If I repeat enough times in front of my children, "If your dad really loved you, or if your dad really cared about you," they will feel he doesn’t care and that I am the only parent who gives a darn.

And if I don’t speak or say Hi or nod my head to their dad when he is at their school functions, they will begin to believe he is not worth the smallest of courtesy.

After I do all this and then my child doesn’t want to go on visitation, I could smile and say my hands are tied and it is not my fault, but the dad’s. He is the bad parent, not me.

I have a lot of power. I am going to be very careful about how I use it. I will only use it to advance a loving relationship between my kids and their dad. They were once conceived in love and I will remember that.

 

 

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I think the NAC is helping my depression a bit. I cannot be certain, but I do feel like I have more energy and less anxiety about actually leaving the house to do something once in a while. It’s only been about a week, so who knows…will keep updating tho.

 

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I think we are going to Discovery World in Milwaukee Friday. Never been there, but it sounds cool. Charlie is going to take a half day and we are taking the kids. Hopefully it will be a nice day to get all these stupid stresses out of our heads.

 

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Ugh, I gotta go for now. Have more to write, so be back asap.

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About Heather Rayne

I am a mom, wife, writer, volunteer, eater of food, lover of animals and avid TV enthusiast. I am opinionated, honest, compassionate and sensitive. I can also be difficult, hard headed and emotional. I consider myself to have a great sense of humor and am very attracted to that in others. I am striving to live an authentic life. I am attempting to learn how to find happiness in the now. I always have hope to be a better person. That being said - I can be vulgar, negative and even a little bitchy at times. I say what I mean and my filter is often dysfunctional. With me, what you see is what you get. I have strong opinions and am quick to speak my mind. This can cause problems from time to time but I do not ever intend to hurt or offend anyone. With that - be warned. I do hope you enjoy my site. Thanks for visiting and have a swell day.

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