Wednesday March 31, 2010

Standard

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has been something I had tried on my own years ago when I used to suffer from panic attacks. There was a book I used as my bible called The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by E. Bourne, PhD.  There were a few chapters I would skip over as they really did not pertain to my particular problem. However, for the parts I did find familiar – all too familiar – I would read over and over.  One of these sections was regarding Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).

 

Cognitive-behavioral therapy is based on the idea that our thoughts
            cause our feelings and behaviors, not external things, like people, situations,
            and events.  The benefit of this fact is that we can change the way we think to 
            feel / act better even if the situation does not change.

 

 

While I had used certain CBT methods on my own during those times of panic, I never thought to use them in regards to my overall depression and unhappiness.  It only makes sense.  No one has a perfect life. Everyone is probably on some level of some spectrum of some “mental illness”.  But as we see all the time – thanks to Oprah lol – people with far more challenging problems not only cope, but flourish. It has to be a matter of perception and reaction.  And clearly, I have not been using either of these in a productive way. 

 

My head is always full of worry, what ifs, shoulds and shouldn’ts. I also let things I have absolute no control over take over my emotions.  Going back to learning more CBT techniques, I am  hoping to start to gain a new outlook, wash my hands of my negative past experiences, stop measuring myself according to others and to try my best to enjoy my life – whatever life that happens to be at the moment. Lord knows I am far far far from being there. I am now just looking towards that path. I am not perfect…shit, not even close. So I know I will not be able to jump into this and just completely change everything my mind has been conditioned to do for the last 36 years. In fact, I worry it is unchangeable. Yes, I said worry.

 

Between this and the NAC (which arrived today), I really hope to get out of this horrible rut in which I have been up to my neck stuck.  Unfortunately neither of these treatments is fast acting. It will be weeks before any difference would be noticed. Soooo…we shall see.

 

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Charlie returns home tomorrow. Thank Jebus!! This kid needs someone else to harass for a while J Plus. I guess I do miss him and all that. And I HATE taking out the garbage!! He took off for Friday and the girls have off school, so hopefully a quiet family day will be in store. Saturday we are going out to my parent’s to celebrate (which basically just means eating Danish Layer cake) my, Charlie’s and Bess’s birthdays. His was March 24th, Bess’ is April 13th and mine is actually on Saturday. Ugh…so old!!! 4 years away from 40. FORTY!!! wtf. We are also going to throw in some ham sandwiches to pretend we are celebrating Easter as well. Sunday I will hide some eggs and baskets for the kids and aside from that NOTHING!!!

 

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Well, according to the scale I have lost about 7lbs since Feb. 20th (when I went off the Cymbalta). This past week I have upped the exercise and to be honest, eating very little. I know I won’t be able to keep this up forever. But the weight is just so hard to come off!! My pant size is smaller, I can see a difference in the mirror, but the scale is just not wanting to budge much at all. I absolutely refuse to go another summer feeling too fat to be seen at the beach – or anywhere for that matter. My self esteem has completely bottomed out. I cannot stand looking this way. Aging is bad enough, but to deal with all the extra weight on top of it…screw that!! I just don’t know why it seems so much easier for some people. However…now this may be TMI for some…but the other day I was about to get in the shower and I stood straight up and looked down and I could actually SEE my vajayjay!! Holy cow…maybe I can start grooming myself again!! Lol. Sorry. Guess you had to be there. Or…maybe not.

 

I am absolutely exhausted. I gotta get this kid ready for bed and head to the sack myself. I have a house to clean tomorrow and BBQ to make. So, I think I will get her booty to bed, watch the latest Damages episode…or maybe Modern Family and then lights outtie.

 

P.S. An old boyfriend had his second child today. The first one..my tummy hurt and I just felt kind of nostalgically sad. And I gotta say…same with this one. But the lil girl was born a wee bit early I believe and is a tiny thing from what I have heard from his sister, who is a friend of mine. So, that weird tummy feeling was subsided by concern for my "old love" (isn’t that gross) and his child.  I know how worried he probably is. But I guess all are healthy and happy…so, honestly, the very best to him and his family.

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About Heather Rayne

I am a mom, wife, writer, volunteer, eater of food, lover of animals and avid TV enthusiast. I am opinionated, honest, compassionate and sensitive. I can also be difficult, hard headed and emotional. I consider myself to have a great sense of humor and am very attracted to that in others. I am striving to live an authentic life. I am attempting to learn how to find happiness in the now. I always have hope to be a better person. That being said - I can be vulgar, negative and even a little bitchy at times. I say what I mean and my filter is often dysfunctional. With me, what you see is what you get. I have strong opinions and am quick to speak my mind. This can cause problems from time to time but I do not ever intend to hurt or offend anyone. With that - be warned. I do hope you enjoy my site. Thanks for visiting and have a swell day.

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