Monday March 29, 2010

Standard

Hey all. So, obviously the last couple weeks have been kinda weird and icky and I have since made some changes to my website. I had also deactivated my account on Facebook for about a week – meant to stay off much longer than that, but I gave in and reactivated my account. All my friends were deleted tho. So, if you are wondering why you may no longer be on my FB friends list, that is why.

 

I did have some notes on my profile while my site was inaccessible. In case you did not see them, I will post them here in attempts to avoid repeating myself.

 

 

March 23, 2010

Dear Readers,

Since starting my blog in 2005, I have attempted to be completely honest and open. I did have some moments of “editing” when it came to the business of certain others. But not much.

I was not only open in regards to the content but also with the fact that the blog existed. All of these years, anyone who knows me or has received an email from me (the link is in my Outlook signature) knows about the site and has had open access to it.

It has come to my attention that some of the things I share about others may not be in my best interest as far as healing goes. I started writing about certain conflicts in order to have a venue to speak my truth about allegations made against me. I felt justified in doing this with no holds barred simply because of CCAP and the article that was in the Journal Times. Both of these things tell the public – anyone who wants to look – of what I was accused. Felony Child Abuse. Is there anything more Heinous to have under your name? I felt my only option was to create a forum where I could tell the whole story…the truth. That information on CCAP will likely negatively affect my life forever. I thought my blog was my only saving grace.

However, it has been 5 years and it is time for me to let go as much as I can. However I can. While I cannot say I fully regret sharing anything I have shared, I can say that it is time to give it up to the universe. People will make their judgments one way or another. I am not responsible for that. And I feel that now, especially after recent happenings within myself and in regards to others, that it is no longer healthy for me to have this bitter, vengeful image of myself shown to the world. While I may not feel that is or was my intention, it could honestly be part of it and either way, that is how it may seem to others.

I fully understand that I will never be able to mold into what people seem to expect or want. I am who I am. But for me, I have decided to make my blog private with only a handful of allowed readers. I will still be able to write. And unfortunately there is no way to show some blogs and hide others. So it had to be an all or nothing decision.

I feel sad about this…as weird as that may seem. This site has provided a release for me that I never felt I have had verbally. It has allowed me to meet some cool people. It has been a cool hobby. So, it will be hard to make these changes.

Anyway, I will certainly accept those who request, but otherwise the pictures and other silly stuff should still be viewable to all.

Thanks for reading guys and gals. It’s been swell.

Always~
Heather Rayne

 

 

March 23, 2010

Hey guys…I am thinking that within the next few weeks I can take the time to go thru and get rid of the blogs which need not be on here any longer. It will be hard to pick and choose though, since it is all a journal of what I have been living – good and bad – for the past 5 years. So, I gotta think about this. If and when I do that, I will once again make my Space public.

I also wanted to thank you guys. Many of you have been SO supportive over the years with comments, notes and emails. Know that every word has been appreciated.

A couple weeks ago I wrote about "my two visitors". A friend brought to my attention that perhaps someone was coming to my site to listen to my playlist since many companies firewall most music sites. If that is the case, that rocks and thank you for enjoying my tunes. I also want to say sorry to the Modine person. It was stupid for me to say the name of the Company. I would never want to get anyone in trouble and I do hope that is not what you stopped visiting. Please feel free to check back soon and my playlist will still be there 🙂

Ummm…I think that is it for now. Take care!!

 

 

March 25, 2010

So, I deleted any blogs that I thought may have delved too deeply into other’s people’s personal business. If anyone sees something they may think I missed, please do let me know. I am now changing my Space back to public.

 

 

So, that’s pretty much it in a nutshell. As you may know, I have written about being a step mom and the trials that come with that. I felt it was impossible not to write about it since it is such a big part in my life.  And yes, I did share personal information about my step daughter’s mother.  Everything I shared I felt needed to be shared in order to tell my whole story.  And I felt I needed to share the whole story mainly because of the public website which shows my legal history – something anyone can see. Something employers use as a free way of completing background checks. Something that will be there FOREVER. So, yes, I felt I was justified. I will also say in all honesty that she always knew about the site and what was on it. It has been 5 years and we have exchanged many emails with the link right in my signature. I never hid anything and I really thought she had seen it all long ago. Apparently now she thinks that my site has been revolving around her for 5 years and is appalled that I told people the truth. Of my own doing, my own idea, I took down the blogs which shared about her personal life. That includes my side of the whole child abuse accusation. I did it to be fair. But I am not feeling so fair these days. Because of that, I will be making an attempt to not discuss anything about that part of my life. And yes, I do hate that.

 

**************************************************************

 

Last week I finally saw my Dr. by that time the Cymbalta withdrawal was pretty much over. I think I had explained how when I called my Dr. during the withdrawal – which was hellish – I was told that there was no way I was still experiencing withdrawal. I was very angry because I knew for a fact that was exactly what I was going thru. Well, when I sat down, he apologized 3 times because he apparently was looking at the wrong date when I called. HE thought I had come off the Cymbalta in 2009!! He thought that I thought I was still withdrawing from back then!! He went on to tell me that I was indeed having withdrawal and it was very typical as far as the symptoms, timing and duration. Unreal. But I was just relieved that I was finally validated.

 

Before going to the appointment I did a lot of research online. I knew that the next med the doc wanted to try was Lamictal. It is suppose to be a good medicine with very few side effects. However, there is one side effect that isn’t really so rare that can become fatal within days. It is called Stevens Johnson Syndrome. With having a history of health anxiety, I knew this would not go over well with me AT ALL. So, while doing some research I have found that there was a clinical study which found a supplement called N-acetyl Cysteine which has been found to be even more successful that Lamictal. Here are a couple links about it:

 

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18534556

 

 

http://www.psycheducation.org/depression/meds/n-acetylcysteine.htm

 

 

http://www.finkshrink.com/blog/treatment/treating-bipolar-depression-with-n-acetyl-cysteine.html

 

 

So, I printed out one of the pages and gave it to my doctor. He proceeded to look it up on the sites he uses and seemed very surprised and pleased. He was almost astonished at the results of the trial. He proceeded to look it up on Puritan’s Pride and found that it is extremely cheap!! Also, it is natural and no found side effects. So clearly, this is the way we decided to go. I ordered the supplements and waiting for their arrival. I am really hopeful.

 

That’s all the time I have for now…but I will be writing more later today or tomorrow.

 

Bye guys J

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About Heather Rayne

I am a mom, wife, writer, volunteer, eater of food, lover of animals and avid TV enthusiast. I am opinionated, honest, compassionate and sensitive. I can also be difficult, hard headed and emotional. I consider myself to have a great sense of humor and am very attracted to that in others. I am striving to live an authentic life. I am attempting to learn how to find happiness in the now. I always have hope to be a better person. That being said - I can be vulgar, negative and even a little bitchy at times. I say what I mean and my filter is often dysfunctional. With me, what you see is what you get. I have strong opinions and am quick to speak my mind. This can cause problems from time to time but I do not ever intend to hurt or offend anyone. With that - be warned. I do hope you enjoy my site. Thanks for visiting and have a swell day.

2 responses »

  1. Rayann, That is awful!! Tumors? Why can’t the remove them or treat them some how? But yes, I think most Drs are just drug pushers these days. They have no real time to spend with the patients, so they just write a script to shut them up. Have you tried a second opinion?

  2. Glad to hear you found something that worked for you! Seems like you did a good job in doing your own research! Wish my doctor would do some of that for the tumors i have, instead of just throwing me on pain medication…it surely would be nice of him..but since he is in the business of making all his patients pill poppers, guess I am on the right road…

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