Tuesday March 16, 2010 Part 2


Today I wrote a blog that I decided to eventually take down. I have had some anger inside that seems to have boiled over and I said some things that were probably best left out of the public arena.  Even during this difficult time, not having complete control over my emotions, I still try to be honest and authentic. So while I did not say anything that was untrue, I still should have left some of it unsaid.


The ex started a big fight with very strong language in front of both our kids today. I was in another room and did not even know she was here. Kenzie was crying, Charlie told me later. I knew at that point that nothing will ever change in that department and I either have to figure out a way to live with it or figure a way out. But I cannot participate in this hateful behavior. She brings out the very worst in me and I cannot have the kids witnessing that – from anyone.


I think it all boiled down to the fact that my feelings were really hurt. I thought we had moved past this and I thought since I have had her back so many times, she would also have mine. I realize now, with the help of my mom and husband, that I cannot get sucked in over and over like this. I cannot let myself be fooled.


She said she will not allow my stepdaughter to be here while Charlie is gone. Whatever. I really don’t know how she is going to handle it though. And why is it ok for her to be with me any other time?? None of it makes sense.


Regardless, while Charlie is gone I will have time to do some thinking, hopefully be done with this nasty withdrawal and spend some good quality time with my darling.


For a little while I am going to try to stay off the computer as much as I can. I am even thinking about shutting down my Facebook account.  My mom thinks I share way too much and it causes people not to respect me or take me seriously. It is very hard to try to live authentically in a very unauthentic world.


I might write tomorrow. Maybe not for a month. Who knows. Talk to ya when I talk to ya.


About Heather Rayne

I am a mom, wife, writer, volunteer, eater of food, lover of animals and avid TV enthusiast. I am opinionated, honest, compassionate and sensitive. I can also be difficult, hard headed and emotional. I consider myself to have a great sense of humor and am very attracted to that in others. I am striving to live an authentic life. I am attempting to learn how to find happiness in the now. I always have hope to be a better person. That being said - I can be vulgar, negative and even a little bitchy at times. I say what I mean and my filter is often dysfunctional. With me, what you see is what you get. I have strong opinions and am quick to speak my mind. This can cause problems from time to time but I do not ever intend to hurt or offend anyone. With that - be warned. I do hope you enjoy my site. Thanks for visiting and have a swell day.

What's on your mind?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s