Today I wrote a blog that I decided to eventually take down. I have had some anger inside that seems to have boiled over and I said some things that were probably best left out of the public arena. Even during this difficult time, not having complete control over my emotions, I still try to be honest and authentic. So while I did not say anything that was untrue, I still should have left some of it unsaid.
The ex started a big fight with very strong language in front of both our kids today. I was in another room and did not even know she was here. Kenzie was crying, Charlie told me later. I knew at that point that nothing will ever change in that department and I either have to figure out a way to live with it or figure a way out. But I cannot participate in this hateful behavior. She brings out the very worst in me and I cannot have the kids witnessing that – from anyone.
I think it all boiled down to the fact that my feelings were really hurt. I thought we had moved past this and I thought since I have had her back so many times, she would also have mine. I realize now, with the help of my mom and husband, that I cannot get sucked in over and over like this. I cannot let myself be fooled.
She said she will not allow my stepdaughter to be here while Charlie is gone. Whatever. I really don’t know how she is going to handle it though. And why is it ok for her to be with me any other time?? None of it makes sense.
Regardless, while Charlie is gone I will have time to do some thinking, hopefully be done with this nasty withdrawal and spend some good quality time with my darling.
For a little while I am going to try to stay off the computer as much as I can. I am even thinking about shutting down my Facebook account. My mom thinks I share way too much and it causes people not to respect me or take me seriously. It is very hard to try to live authentically in a very unauthentic world.
I might write tomorrow. Maybe not for a month. Who knows. Talk to ya when I talk to ya.