Monday March 15, 2010

Standard

Beware the Ides of March. I think I will stay in the house today…just in case.

 

Today marks Day 22 off the Cymbalta. I think the withdrawal is finally subsiding. The past couple weeks have been hell. Very deep depression and immense anger. I lived through some pretty horrible thoughts. I really hope it is almost all over. It’s been a really REALLY hard time.  And what’s funny (not funny Ha Ha) is that really only one or two people have checked in and expressed concern and caring. People I really don’t even know that well to be honest…good people though. I was just kinda put off by the fact that not a single family member or close friend bothered to call or even ask how I was doing. It has been no secret what a hard time I have been having. And I do realize that no one really knew the extent of the deep deep depression I have been in. But still. It doesn’t make it easy for a person to reach out in the time of need. In fact, even when I did…I was still kinda brushed off and ignored. Poor Heather…pity party, right?? I know. It is unbecoming. But sometimes a person might really NEED someone to just check in or let them know they are cared for. Luckily I am used to dealing with much worse by myself. But if someone is really crying out, suicidal tendencies are a possibility…so hopefully in a case like that, people will show some compassion to that individual. And while this was not my case…I can say that reaching out on a personal level will likely not be something I will feel comfortable with in the future. The last thing a super depressed person needs is to feel rejected or as if they are a burden. So that whole thing about “reach out” “talk to someone” blah blah blah…its bullshit. People are way too busy and focused on their own problems. Instead of teaching people they HAVE to have a support system and need the help of others…people should be taught to deal with their demons and feelings within themselves…not having to depend on others. Because when that doesn’t happen, it just pushes a person down further. You can really only depend on yourself. Just my take.

 

Okay, enough of that for now.

 

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Last night I watched last week’s episode of The Marriage Ref. I love that show. Last nights panel was especially hilarious. Larry David, Ricky Gervais (two of my absolute favorites) and Madonna. Madonna was SO much more normal and funny than I ever imagined her. She is kinda cool. Larry David…I wish I could just hang out with him and argue and bitch all day. Might be a strange dream…but its mine lol. Anyway, that show is awesome and I hope it sticks around.

 

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Two other shows I have started watching since getting 3 months of free Showtime and HBO…Nurse Jackie and US of Tara. I am in love with both of these shows. Just SOOOO good. Funny, smart, wonderful acting and outrageously fantastic writing. I just love love love them.

 

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Well, I have not weighed myself yet…since stopping the Cymbalta. But I can say that none of my pants fit anymore. I will wait one more week to get on the scale…but I am thinking MAYBE 5 pounds?? I have also been exercising WAY more and eating WAY less. I seem to have more endurance and fewer cravings for some reason. God, I hope it lasts….I dream about being in a swim suit without having to feel so ashamed. I love those dreams. I HAVE to make them come true. I did decide that as a reward…if I lose 20lbs I will get another tattoo. Upper side shoulder (on the round bendy part)…but not sure what yet.  So, we shall see. 

 

Being less ashamed of my body will help me so much. I do not go anywhere I think ppl I know will be…people that knew me before I was fat I mean. No bars, parties…nothing like that. And when I do run in to someone (like 2 weeks ago at a restaurant) I feel embarrassed for days about it. I think about how that person must be thinking, “DAMN, she got big!” Ugh. It kills me. No. This fat HAS to go. Period.

 

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Oh crap. I was going to write much more, but kids just got up and they need to get ready. I didn’t realize it was already 8am!! Anyway, I will write more when they go to school. See ya.

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About Heather Rayne

I am a mom, wife, writer, volunteer, eater of food, lover of animals and avid TV enthusiast. I am opinionated, honest, compassionate and sensitive. I can also be difficult, hard headed and emotional. I consider myself to have a great sense of humor and am very attracted to that in others. I am striving to live an authentic life. I am attempting to learn how to find happiness in the now. I always have hope to be a better person. That being said - I can be vulgar, negative and even a little bitchy at times. I say what I mean and my filter is often dysfunctional. With me, what you see is what you get. I have strong opinions and am quick to speak my mind. This can cause problems from time to time but I do not ever intend to hurt or offend anyone. With that - be warned. I do hope you enjoy my site. Thanks for visiting and have a swell day.

One response »

  1. Depression can be serious issue and should never be ignored, Recently I was diagnosed with depression (yeah me, of all people). It took a break up of a serious relationship just before the holidays to realize it. The docs got me on citalopram. It seems to be working some what. Some days are better than others. I just have to have a positive attitude. My best of luck to you, Heather 🙂

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