There must be something about beating my head against the same wall over and over that is addicting to me for some fucked up reason. I keep dealing with these issues that have been woven thru the past 8+ years of my life. Yet, nothing changes. No one changes. I simply remain. Only I am getting more and more resentful and bitter as the days go on. And worst of all, I am losing love. With each tear I am losing more love every day and I hate it.
Even after everything that happened when I was accused of abusing my step daughter…I continued down the same path thinking things would change some how or be different. And I am just as much to blame as anyone. I have gone with the flow, tried to keep the peace 90% of the time. And what’s stupider is I have continued being the “bad guy” and have allowed her mother to continue being fun, party time mom pal. I make sure her homework is done. I make sure she is dressed warm enough. I make sure she gets to the bus on time. I make sure she showers, eats healthy meals, gets enough sleep, does her chores, brushes her teeth and a bagillion other things I do on a daily basis simply because SOMEone has to. Charlie is working and her mom has her head in the clouds.
Until last week, my step daughter had been sleeping with her mother (when she is with her) in her mother’s bed for the past TEN years. One excuse after another. She does not have bed time over there, lives on fast food and has no stability or responsibility whatsoever. If she doesn’t get her way, she throws a fit you would expect from a 3 year old on crack. I am not joking…weird ass shit. Stuff we cannot even imagine her doing because it would never EVER happen here. She knows better. But it is obviously workin’ for her there. And what is THAT teaching her? Her mother lies to our faces with her daughter standing RIGHT there.
Publicly bashing my step daughter’s mother?? How dare I??? Guess what, I don’t care anymore. Being in this position of step mother has led me to a place of sadness and worthlessness. And still no one seems to care. Everything I have been through with these people and they act like I just need to forget it ever happened. It changed my life. My future. It completely changed who I am. That pit in my stomach will never, ever go away. So it is a little hard to keep taking the high road.
You know, on the day my daughter was born – after 26+ hours of hard ass horrible labor, immense loss of blood and super low blood pressure – I was not feeling so well. Not an hour after being in my recovery room is when my husband’s cell phone rang. It was his ex. She decided to start a fight because he couldn’t pick his daughter up that day. He ‘was being selfish and already forgetting about his other child’. My kid was on earth for 2 FUCKING HOURS!! About a week later she apologized claiming she was ‘stressed out’. Awww. This is merely one teeny example of the complete lack of condsideration causing problem after problem in my life.
So while most people know the worst of what I have been thru during my time as a step parent, they have no idea the smaller shit that has been pushing me higher and higher up that mountain. And I feel like everyone is just watching and waiting to see if I will jump off. Maybe I am too.