I was watching Rosie O’Donnell on Oprah a few weeks ago when Rosie said something that really made my ears perk up. They were talking about a conversation they had years ago which always had Rosie anxious and Oprah barely even thought about it after it happened. Rosie, explaining, said something to this effect, “See, what you (Oprah) don’t realize – you’ve been cast as a central character in the movie of my life – you just don’t know it.”
I really had to laugh and think about that. And I had to admit it when I realized that I do that to people ALLLL the time. I always have. I think the combination of being highly sensitive and having a memory like an elephant with OCD has honestly contributed to this weird thing in my subconscious that makes me THINK certain relationships are more than they were, people were closer than they really were and also cursed me with this emotional memory that is so far beyond nostalgia. Am I making any sense at all? I cannot tell you how many people I have met in my life whom I thought were almost spiritually connected with me and it turned out that was not only just MY perception…but that is was almost ALWAYS just my perception. So at some points in my life I had just decided to say fuck it and really not rely on my intuition anymore. I couldn’t trust my own instincts and judgments. Plus, they always led me to pain…especially with men….but with a few women too.
This brings me to another topic. Girlfriends. I am SOOOOOO bad with the whole girlfriend thing and it is something that is not only lacking in my life, but I also think it is causing some weird sort of emptiness. Through my entire life thus far, I have 99% of the time gotten along far much better with boys/men. I am so much more relaxed with men. I like layin’ around, being myself, wearin’ jeans…I hate shopping, wearing heels and mundane conversation. But despite this, I have had a couple – just a few, seriously – a really close gal pals in my life. Up until about 8 years ago or so, I almost always had a “best” friend who was a chic. But life moved along, people moved away and relationships simply changed. So happens that in the last 7ish years, I have basically been at home. So that leaves out work friends. We really have no ‘couple’ friends that we know well. And our families are very small. So this leaves little in the way of opportunity for meeting people.
AND being so socially awkward, it makes it so hard for me to even imagine. But having friends is clearly so important in life and it is something I have really let slip away from my world. Besides my mother or my husband, there is truly NO one I would feel comfortable calling with a personal problem. So if the problem is with one of them…my cat, Bob, gets an earful!! I wouldn’t feel comfortable calling anyone up and suggest going to a movie. I cannot think of anyone who I feel I can call a good, close friend. Yes, I have lots of Facebook buddies…people I can shoot a question to here and there…people I love to joke with…people I would invite to a party…stuff like that. And I am not whining and feeling sorry for myself as I talk about this. I am realizing that one way or another it needs to change. I need to have close friends in my life. I just need to learn how. Is that weird?? Am I being really weird?? Weirder than usual I mean??
I have been doing a bunch of reading online about Cymbalta and its possible link to weight gain. The stories are staggering, yet doctors do not seem to want to admit that it is an even possible correlation. Well, I know that with everything I have tried over the years – I should have lost this weight. So, I decided to wean myself off of the Cymbalta. No, I did not discuss this with my Doc first. I have been in this world (the psych world I mean) for a LONG time. I am pretty certain I can make this decision for myself. I had been taking 60mg caps for about 4 years or so. For the last couple weeks, I have been empting out ¼ of the pellets in the capsules each week. I am now at 20mgs and I am going to try 0 next week. If it is too hard, I may do about 10 for a week. Please note that I do NOT advise ANYone to do this without their Dr’s okay. I am simply explaining what I am doing (basically the reverse of how I weaned on). The first couple weeks were ok. This week – HELL. Have many of the withdrawal symptoms and just cannot wait for this to be over. I quit smoking a couple weeks ago, but I still have moments of REALLY needing one. These two stresses together have really made for a chaotic household (husband also quit smoking) and a really tearful, cranky ass Heather. But I do feel it will be worth it. I think once I get rid of this weight, at least a portion of it, I will feel a TON better. I know that it is a real root of my depression. One of them anyway.
Alrighty, gotta go. Talk at ya soon. Take care.