Decisions have to be made. Medications, books, online groups…those are not going to change my life. I was twice told by two different doctors that I likely have PTSD.  What??!! I thought…I was never in a war.  Bullshit. I have been at war my entire life. My weapons of mass destruction? Self harm, apathy, numbing, hiding, complaining, eating…Its fucking pathetic.  And I am sick of being looked at as pathetic. My foes? Well, there is a list. But my biggest one has been myself. I keep waiting for someone or something to just come and save me…to make it all better so the rest of my life is full of peace and fun and love and passion and joy.  Well, my ass is 35. And it is pretty clear that this miracle is not going to occur.  So I guess I gotta do this shit myself.


I am going to make a real sincere effort to lose a significant amount of weight by summer.  I will be smoke free very soon…only had 2 today.  I will no longer take shit. Even from those I love. Actually ESPECIALLY from those I love. I need to put less stock in my mom’s and husband’s opinions and make my own choices without guilt.  I need to start liking my life more and being grateful everyday so that I can be a better parent.  I need to get it thru my skull that it really doesn’t matter if people like me.  I will no longer apologize or feel guilty for my authenticity.  And most of all I need to start changing negative thoughts and words as soon as I realize I am creating them.


I realize this is a process and it is unlikely I will wake up in the morning as enlightened as my dear friend Rocky.  But I am seeing now that I need to take these steps myself – that no one is going to help me. 


I guess that is all I have to say for now. Have a good night.


2 thoughts on “Wednesday November 11, 2009

  1. Tonya,Thank you so much for your kind words. Sometimes a reach out from a stranger can be so meaningful. I was feeling down today and you made me feel much better. Thank you again!!!Heather

  2. Hi, I have never heard of you before today. I saw your comment on TodaysMoms about spanking and I read your story. I am so sorry for everything you have been through. I am a mommy myself and I had a mom just like K. You are a STRONG, SMART,SENSITIVE person and don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise. If I were in this position I don’t know where I would be. I would probably be in the Mental Hospital. That has got to be so hard. Thank you for sharing your story and being you.

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