Thursday September 10, 2009

Standard

Oh hell, I don’t even know where to start. My mind seems to be racing with intermittent moments of brain narcolepsy.  Kinda hard to focus that way.

 

In the past few months my depression has grown noticeably. I had to finally face the fact that the Cymbalta may no longer be working.  I have read countless stories about the pure agony of weaning off of Cymbalta and have always feared having to one day do so. I did a bunch of internet reading – surprise surprise – about all different medications and options. I finally made and appointment and went in last week with all of my printed info.  Which is funny in a way because when the Dr stepped out of his office I was able to catch a glimpse of my chart. On the notes from my last appointment I noticed the remarks, “she tends to over research on the internet.” And, “She is very medication phobic.”  LOL. Nothing I didn’t know I guess.

 

Anyway, after going over the different meds, their side effects and what not…he finally decided to add another drug to my existing prescription.  So, I still take the Cymbalta and now I am on day 2 of 150 mg of Wellbutrin. Since I am also trying to quit smoking and lose weight, he thought this was the best choice. Wellbutrin is also sold as Zyban – a smoking cessation medication. Along with the new medication I am also taking something called Cerefolin (Deplin). It is basically a potent active form of folate and B12. It is suppose to make the medications work better. Here is some interesting info on Deplin.  I am on Day 7 with that. Can’t say I notice anything from either yet. 

 

I have also not had a cigarette in over 48 hours. SO NOT FUN. I am really determined to do it this time. I know I can. I quit for almost 6 years…I can certainly do it again. I am not sure if this was the best timing, however as I am also PMSing big time and trying to adjust to this new med.

 

As far as side effects go, it is hard to tell what is from the WB, what is from not smoking and what is from my hormonal rage lol. But I am feeling: very hungry, very sleepy, fidgety, anxious, crying jags, IRRITABLE AS HELL, angry, bored and argumentative. Oh, and my boobs hurt.

 

So, I guess we shall see. It can take like a month to really know if the new med is going to work or not.  God, I hope so.  It was (and is at this point yet) getting really bad.  I don’t want to go anywhere, do anything. Like not just laziness…I strongly do not want to do anything or socialize or participate – nothing.  I rarely feel like writing. Kids have been irritating the hell outta me. My husband makes me absolutely furious much of the time. I am completely down on myself in anyway possible. I hate my looks and am mortified if someone from my past sees me for the first time since gaining weight.  I hate how my life turned out – feel very worthless and loser-esque. I feel very stuck in a life which really isn’t THAT bad and I need to jus be able to be happy, be grateful, relax and be a better mom. But it is just something I cannot do by myself. I have been thru years of therapy as well; I think I am pretty much beyond what they can do for me now.

 

I realize many people may think it strange I speak of such personal issues out in public this way.  It is just something that doesn’t bother me even in the least. I don’t feel these illnesses should be taboo or embarrassing. Everyone has their “thing”. No one out there is better than me simply because I was born chemically deficient.  I feel the more people talk about these things, the more the world will be educated, interested and active in finding better solutions.

 

There is much more I want to write about…Obama and Healthcare…Cassidy’s first week of school…etc…so I will write again tomorrow. Now, I need a nap.

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About Heather Rayne

I am a mom, wife, writer, volunteer, eater of food, lover of animals and avid TV enthusiast. I am opinionated, honest, compassionate and sensitive. I can also be difficult, hard headed and emotional. I consider myself to have a great sense of humor and am very attracted to that in others. I am striving to live an authentic life. I am attempting to learn how to find happiness in the now. I always have hope to be a better person. That being said - I can be vulgar, negative and even a little bitchy at times. I say what I mean and my filter is often dysfunctional. With me, what you see is what you get. I have strong opinions and am quick to speak my mind. This can cause problems from time to time but I do not ever intend to hurt or offend anyone. With that - be warned. I do hope you enjoy my site. Thanks for visiting and have a swell day.

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