Tuesday July 21, 2009

Standard

Well, the family vacation dilemma isn’t really a dilemma anymore…just more of a worry. I spoke to Charlie and asked him if we could maybe just go for 4 or 5 days instead of the entire 7 days and he said that he really wanted to stay up there the whole week. Then he said that he was probably going to be taking his nephew because his parent’s car is too small. So, he was planning on me staying home all along. I asked him how he felt about it and he said it wasn’t an issue to him at all. He said I would probably get bored and spend half the time bitching. Gee, thanks lol. So, clearly…he REALLY does not care if I go or not and thinks the kids wont care one bit either – especially since I am with them all day everyday.  So, Bob and I will be staying home and holdin’ down the fort. I will miss my family though. I have NEVER been away from Cassidy for that long. I will also worry a lot. I just really hope they are all very careful and watch the kids constantly!!

 

I think taking those 7 days and having some genuine decompression time will actually be very good for me. I can do things around here that need to get done without nagging, criticism (do it THIS way) or constant interruptions. I can sleep until I wake up naturally. I can take in a yoga class or maybe even a massage. Perhaps I can even do some writing. Yea, I do think it will be good for me.

 

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For some reason the last few weeks have been really weird and emotional for me.  I cry at the drop of a hat. I am SO irritable. And most of all, I feel HORRIBLE about myself. I keep having dreams where people are either rejecting me or making fun of me because of my weight and looks. Even though I have been seeing a little change in my weight (for the better) lately, I feel no better at all. I saw a recent pic of myself the other night and started crying. Is this just the new me now? Do I have to just accept that I will never be thin and pretty again?? I never thought I was pretty or even anything close to it. I have always had issues with that. But when I look at pictures from the past, I wish I would have appreciated what I had (or didn’t have) back then. And I am talking even a mere 5 years ago. I dunno. It is so depressing and I HATE seeing people I haven’t seen in years simply because of the way I look. I hate feeling this way. I hate hate hate it.

 

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Lately Cassidy’s behavior has been exhausting. She pushes EVERYthing passed the limit. She does not listen. Has a snotty mouth. And she fights us on everything. She got in trouble at Kiddie Korner the other day for not listening to her leader. I was so embarrassed. It was like they didn’t even want her there anymore. And see, the thing is…this kid is smart. And yes, I am completely aware that every parent says this about their child. But she is oddly perceptive, intuitive and extremely quick witted. But I don’t even know how to get thru to her right now. Consequences seem to have very little effect. Yelling and threats certainly don’t work. Please tell me this is just a phase!! I am so afraid for her to start pre-K this September if she is still having this monster possession.

 

Kenzie is doing just fine. She started soccer this summer and seems to like it…but she needs to practice more – and I don’t mean just kicking the ball into the fence!! She is doing really well tho for having never played before. Hope it continues.

 

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Anywho…I gotta run for now…but I will write again soon. More I wanted to “talk” about.

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About Heather Rayne

I am a mom, wife, writer, volunteer, eater of food, lover of animals and avid TV enthusiast. I am opinionated, honest, compassionate and sensitive. I can also be difficult, hard headed and emotional. I consider myself to have a great sense of humor and am very attracted to that in others. I am striving to live an authentic life. I am attempting to learn how to find happiness in the now. I always have hope to be a better person. That being said - I can be vulgar, negative and even a little bitchy at times. I say what I mean and my filter is often dysfunctional. With me, what you see is what you get. I have strong opinions and am quick to speak my mind. This can cause problems from time to time but I do not ever intend to hurt or offend anyone. With that - be warned. I do hope you enjoy my site. Thanks for visiting and have a swell day.

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