Thursday July 9, 2009

Standard

It’s been a while. I know, I know. Not much motivation for writing these days. Perhaps it is the lack of things to write about and wanting to avoid whining in public as much as possible. But today I am in a funk and figured what the hell. I need to spew some random, mundane life shit and I really don’t care how poopy I sound.

 

I say “today I am in a funk”, but really…I have been here for a while now.  I haven’t been keeping promises to myself.  I have been irritable big time.  And I cannot shake this feeling that I am wasting my life away.  I love my family. I like that I am able (barely, but that is another topic) to stay home with the kids and be available to be responsible for their needs in the ways I see fit.  I love being here to watch Cassidy grow and learn more each and every day.  I like being able to provide home cooked meals on a regular basis.  But really…is that all there is? Shouldn’t I do more as a growing individual? I don’t even FEEL like an individual anymore to be quite honest with you.  I feel like someone’s wife, someone’s mom, someone’s stepmom…but where in the hell did Heather Rayne Jocius go?? I actually miss her.  And I wouldn’t be surprised if other people (like my mom for one) did as well. 

 

You can give me ideas. But I bet I have already thought about them. And there is always a cookie cutter excuse why each idea would not work for me. 

 

Job? None out there. Can’t get hired with background check. Jobs I can get wouldn’t make me any happier than what I am doing now – I’ve tried them all.  Plus, I cannot make enough to make it worth it after child care is paid for.

 

Volunteer? Oh I have printed out volunteer openings for anything between Bingo Callers to Secretarial Workers. But have I ever gone beyond that? Nope. I figured, I would need to pay a sitter so volunteering would actually cost me money I do not have.  

 

Join a club or find a hobby? Well that excuse is easy…I have some major social anxieties and no skills or talents whatsoever.  What on earth could there be for me out there??

 

School? WAYYYY too expensive right now. And besides, what the hell would I even go for at this point? All my Gen Ed classes are completed…I would have to make a decision. Many decisions. This would cost, again, way more than I have.

 

So I suppose that leaves me with one option – suck it up whiney ass!!

 

I dunno. Maybe its hormones and I am going thru “the change” early.  Or perhaps a mid life crisis. Regardless, I hope it blows over because I am in some serious need of some genuine happiness and ease.

 

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Later this summer my husband is taking the kids up north with his mom and step dad to a cottage they rent in St. Germaine (near Eagle River, Minocqua…) for a week.  I say he is taking them because I have not yet decided if I am going.

 

My cat, Bob, AKA my BFF, is now here alone since his sister died last summer. He has kidney failure as well, but seems to be tolerating it pretty well. I have written before about how dependant this cat is on me. I know it may seem silly, but he really is.  He is like constantly attached to my hip.  So, how do I leave him for a whole week?? I have never left him that long before.  And honestly, I cannot think of anyone who could stay here just to take care of a cat. I don’t want him to just get checked in on, ya know?? He will be so scared and lonely.  And what if I do that and he dies a week later? I would feel awful forever.

 

Also, I do have to admit that camping in the North Woods just isn’t what I want to do for an entire week.  Yea, when I was younger and would drink bloody marys and pretty much sleep and party all day…it was much different. And you have to remember, I am a stay at home mom…for about 6 years now. I am with these kids ALL of the time. I am cooking and cleaning all of the time.  What exactly would make this a vacation?? LOL.

 

The cabin seems nice. They stay there every year. I just wish it wasn’t for so long or so far away so I could just come home by myself when I was ready. I think seven people (three of which are crazy ass kids) in one cabin for 7 days will make me anxious. As you may know, I am the type of person who seriously requires privacy and alone time. I seem to hold in these bad energies and without some decompression time, alone, I would possibly explode. That would be gross.

 

On the other hand, I have never been away from my husband or daughter more than a couple days. I would miss them and worry about their safety all the time.  And a friend on Facebook mentioned that it could be emotionally unhealthy for my daughter if I miss a family vacation. I never thought that was a worry.  I honestly never thought Cassidy would care one way or another. She will be having fun and I guess I figured she probably wouldn’t even think of me much. But now after reading what my friend wrote, I feel even MORE guilty for considering staying home that week. Here is what she said and I would love to hear if you agree with this. Feedback will really be helpful to me now.

 

"Being a traditionalist, I’d have to say that it’s absolutely no question that you have to put your marriage and family first under all circumstances. Pets are wonderful, but they are only with us for a short while, but I’m guessing your daughter will remember your absence from a family vacation for the rest of her life…

 

Plus, it sets a dangerous precedent, excluding yourself from family events, for a variety of reasons: #1, it isn’t healthy for your marriage, and #2, it makes it so much more likely your daughter will insist on skipping family events when she gets older (which isn’t healthy for her). We just went on a week long vacation to the north woods (the drive to the very tippy top of the state was only 4.5 hours) and we left 2 dogs, a cat, a guinea pig, and 10 chickens in the care of a pet sitter, and they all did just fine. And in spite of crappy weather, it was absolutely WONDERFUL to get away, a good experience for all of us:-)"

 

Anyway, I would love to hear what you think about this topic. Am I really being a bad mother, wife?? I mean, I know I am not perfect. There is much to improve upon. But I do try.

 

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Did ya hear the news?? Michael Jackson died. Oh. My. God. I realize what a superstar he was and I appreciate that, I really do. But the coverage is just out of control!! What I can say about it is that when he was going through the accusations and trials regarding child abuse, I did think he was guilty…of SOMEthing. It all just seemed very strange to me and as a mom, I would not feel the least bit comfortable with the situations described.  But since his death and seeing his children and watching his beautiful daughter speak at the memorial…I have a new respect for him as a father. She clearly loved him very much. I could feel her pain.

 

Another person I gained surprising respect for is Farrah Fawcett. After years of seeing her act ditsy and out of her mind on various television appearances, I really did not think much of her. But after watching the documentary on her battle with cancer, I see her in a whole new light.

 

I hope they are both happy where they are now.

 

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There is actually more on my mind, but Cassidy is driving me INSANE right now and I can barely think. Talk at ya later.

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About Heather Rayne

I am a mom, wife, writer, volunteer, eater of food, lover of animals and avid TV enthusiast. I am opinionated, honest, compassionate and sensitive. I can also be difficult, hard headed and emotional. I consider myself to have a great sense of humor and am very attracted to that in others. I am striving to live an authentic life. I am attempting to learn how to find happiness in the now. I always have hope to be a better person. That being said - I can be vulgar, negative and even a little bitchy at times. I say what I mean and my filter is often dysfunctional. With me, what you see is what you get. I have strong opinions and am quick to speak my mind. This can cause problems from time to time but I do not ever intend to hurt or offend anyone. With that - be warned. I do hope you enjoy my site. Thanks for visiting and have a swell day.

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