Friday April 25, 2008
Still in my robe
Lazy, tired, introspective, blue
Drinking Decaf Pomegranate Green Tea – Iced
“Enchanted” playing in the background for the MILLIONTH time
Plans for the day: Shower, Treadmill, Weights, Dishes, Laundry, Read…trying not to get too excited about my thrilling life…
I am reading A New Earth. Hopefully as I get further along, I will learn how to stop being such a complaining boob. I am just in a funk lately. It won’t last. I sometimes get into these negative nostalgic swamps from which climbing out can be quite daunting. Not sure why it happens. But I really want to focus more on the present and let go of all the past and all which will be. I want to be at peace with who I am, where I am and what I am – right now. And that is why I am reading this book. Apparently it is “changing lives all over the country” according to Oprah. So, we shall see…
You know how they say everyone has at least one of “those who got away”. A past guy or gal friend who slipped through their fingers only to be thought upon with sadness and regret later in life. Do you ever wonder if you are one of those to someone in your past? I do. Is that silly? I have to honestly say that even though I have been dumped countless times in my life – I still do not believe even one of them think of me in that way. And that isn’t being down on myself, its just knowing them and knowing how their minds work. It is also knowing how I was back then. I was thinner, younger, prettier…but I was also demanding, jealous, possessive and insecure. Not too attractive of a memory I imagine. Especially during my Jack Daniels days. Yuck.
I also have these moments where I sense a smell or a see a tree or hear a sound which reminds me of a time I can barely remember from my childhood. I do not actually recall a significant situation, but really a snapshot or a feeling. Like when it is warm and sunny and the birds are chirping and that weird buzzing noise in the sky is humming through the breeze…it gives me this feeling of soft grass and youth and carefree summers. Not that my childhood was carefree or without its difficulties, but I was able, at that age, to be in the present. All I knew was ‘at this moment, it is warm and cozy and there is no school.’ I was able to just BE in the now. So, if I could do it at that age…I should be able to do it at this age. I am really going to make that effort. That way, instead of getting depressed that I am no longer lying in that grass having my whole life to look forward to – I can find the peace and joy in the place I am today, this very minute.
“That’s just the fear talking
That’s just the fear talking
That’s just the fear…
Don’t let it take you
Like it nearly took me, fear
Don’t let it fool you
Like it nearly fooled me, fear
Don’t kill you
Like it nearly killed me, fear”
~ Gomez "Hamoa Beach"