Okay so, this has been a weird past few days for me. Nothing eventful took place; in fact I have hardly left the house. But I am going through this mental/emotional debacle which is kind of hard to explain. But I will attempt to do so anyway. Confusion, frustration and boredom may come from reading this blog – just so you were warned.
On Friday I was going through an event calendar on the Milwaukee Journal site. As I was flipping through the various plays in the area, an ex boyfriend popped into my mind.
His name is Patrick. He was (well, still is) an actor. He lived in Milwaukee at the time and we dated for a couple of months shortly before I met my husband. We met on one of those internet dating sites (how lame is THAT??!!) and I actually liked him quite a bit. I cannot remember exactly why, but he was busy all of the time. I think he worked for several theatre groups doing lighting, sound and set design stuff in addition to his acting. Regardless, he was busy a lot and our time was always very limited. I do not think he was ever really “in” to us much. I remember the last day I saw him. We went out to my parents’ house as did my brother and sister in law. I think we had lunch out there or something. He had to go back to Milwaukee after so I rode home with my brother. As he was behind us and about to turn, I waved and something inside me knew that was the last time I would see him. It was strange and sad.
Sure enough, not long after – a couple days maybe – we talked on the phone and he broke it off. Said he was so busy and wasn’t ready for a commitment and all of those things guys say when they are ‘just not into you’. I was upset for a while. Getting dumped sucks, as we all know. And the way I was back then – it really stung. I was single for a long time. I broke up with my long term boyfriend when I was 23. And I got married when I was 30. So that is a good 7 years of first dates. And I say first dates because that is primarily all I had. I was SO picky. I was just too lazy to try to make something out of little or nothing. If I didn’t feel that spark – you know that spark…they talk about it in the movies usually when the James Blunt music begins to play – I would usually call it off immediately after the first date. So, when I did let a relationship develop, that meant I was genuinely “into” the dude. You see, where relationships were concerned, my intuition was fantastic but ONLY when it came to my own feelings. This highly sensitive intuition of mine sucked ASS when it came to finding guys who wanted me when I wanted them. But yea, I could tell in the first hour whether or not I wanted a relationship with the guy. If not, no second date (usually – I did make some exceptions). If yea, then I would usually fall hard and quick. And I don’t think I was very good at hiding it which is probably why all the guys I really liked went running as though they were being chased by some frothy mouthed killer rabbit. RUN AWAY!! RUN AWAY!! Ugh. Gross. I am STILL embarrassed.
So okay…where was I? Okay okay. So, I was pretty upset for a while, but of course I got over it and lived to tell the tale. LOL. A few months later I met my husband. About a month after being with him, Patrick emailed me. He said he wanted to go out again – to give it another try…or something to that degree. Like I had said before, I really did like the guy. But I was very protective of myself and had that whole ‘once bitten’ thing going on. Plus, I was with this new guy who clearly liked me a lot and I had no questions about him being “into me”. That choice felt much safer. So I explained that to Patrick. He was put off and in a mean kind of way told me to forget all about him and have a nice life. I haven’t seen or spoken to him since.
That was about 7 years ago.
So, on Friday when he popped into my head, I decided to Google him. I ended up on his MySpace page and my jaw dropped. He now lives in Hollywood and is becoming successful in his life long dream. He even has an IMDB (like my favorite site ever) page. I was tempted to post his page, but I didn’t know if that would be uncool. He looks fantastic and is obviously doing very well. So, this brought up a potpourri of emotions within me. Some less fragrant than desired. Not only did I have feelings of missing him – things about him, like his humor, our commonalities, his wit – but also I had all these “what ifs” floating around my mind. What if I had gotten back together with him? Would it have worked out? Would we both be in California right now living our dreams? Perhaps not. Maybe I would have dragged him down. Maybe he would have cheated on me. Maybe he would have brought me out there only to dump my ass and leave me all alone under a palm tree. What ifs are stupid. I know that. Complete waste of time. But that is me sometimes – Queen of Wasted Times.
My tangled up blues are not only due to him specifically, but also to my own personal disappointments. Many moons ago, I had dreams and passions and life wishes. I have not followed up on any of them. Acting, writing, my documentary ideas, law school, Hawaii….none of them have I pursued. I feel so stale and old and wasteful. I do have a family which I love. A daughter who is the world to me. A husband who would never do anything to hurt me (intentionally lol). A comfortable home. Nice car. Cable. Good food. My darling kitty cats. So, I really shouldn’t be complaining should I?? In fact, I feel like a complete ass for doing so. So, throw your tomatoes. I understand. But I feel how I feel.
So, why not get off your fat ass and do something about it Heather? Ugh. DUH. I KNOW!! But I feel stuck. I mean, what can I REALLY do now? Let’s be realistic here. I am married with a 3 year old child and an 8 year old step daughter. I do not even have my BA yet (about 4 full time semesters to go). And I am so olddddddddddddddddd. What are my options really? What can I REALLY accomplish at this point?
Okay, yes, I am being a total asshole. Just let me have my whiney mud pit moment would ya??!!
I doubt the guy even remembers me.
(Sorry – had to get one more negative whine in there.)