While some of you may think I have fallen off the face of the earth, I am here to assure you that I did not. I hung over the edge for a while…but managed to hang on.
I sort of subconsciously decided to take an online sabbatical for a while. I even stopped writing in any capacity for the most part. I have even been piss poor when it comes to responding to emails – for that I truly apologize for my rude behavior.
The past couple months have been a whirlwind of sorts. Nothing major has happened. Nothing tragic or severely life altering. But mentally and emotionally tiring I suppose. It has left me with little motivation or desire for any stimulus or outlets. It’s hard to explain.
First of all, I started a new medication about 3 months ago. I finally came to accept that I indeed was depressed and whether it was situational or biological, it started to matter less and less. I just knew I needed to do something about it before I crawled into bed and never again sprouted from my warm covers. I went to a new doctor and was diagnosed with severe depression, PTSD and of course – anxiety. While the anxiety has been wonderfully controlled, the depression was getting kinda bad. I was put on a medication called Cymbalta. It isn’t a typical antidepressant as is doesn’t only deal with serotonin but also norepinehrine as well. Weaning onto this medication was extremely difficult and I was quite sick for a couple of weeks. I had horrible headaches, abdominal pain, nausea, heart palpitations, jaw clenching, big time cotton mouth, insomnia (worst EVER), hot flashes and blurred vision. Sounds crazy doesn’t it??? Because the Doc had me wean onto the drug so slowly it took a while to get up to the therapeutic dose – which meant dealing with these initial side effects for several weeks. But finally most of them did disappear. My vision has greatly changed due to the drug and I had to get new glasses that I need to wear almost all of the time – very weird for someone who was 20/20 for almost my whole life!! I still have some bouts of insomnia and dry mouth as well as some shakiness…but that is about it. And the med does appear to be helping. My husband and mother both notice a difference. I suppose I do as well. I just don’t care as much about things as I used to. This isn’t always a good thing by the way. I seem to have more patience and can let go of things more easily. I also notice that I find joy in little things that I didn’t before – like my daughter’s humor and even the smell of my perfume.
Like I said, caring less isn’t always a great thing though. I don’t care as much about writing. I don’t have that raging passion to write about this and that anymore. I am more just like “whatever”…”what’s on TV?”. LOL. I thought the med would give me more motivation and energy, but not really. But that could also have something to do with the fact that I went back to work. My new job started at about the same time as starting the medication – so it is hard to say what is caused by which.
I started a part time job doing office work. It is a very flexible and laid back environment which is awesome. I can wear whatever I want to work – so no dress pants and nylons HORRAY!! I was able to basically create my own hours too which is great. Cassidy goes to a nice school which is only minutes away from where I work. Mind you, I basically work to pay for her school, but that’s ok for now. I get out of the house for about 25 hours a week and she is learning new things and playing with other kids. So, at this moment in our lives, this is a good thing.
So, I guess that is about it for now. I will try to keep you guys updated more often. And I will certainly start getting better at responding to my emails. Again, I am very sorry about that!!
Talk to you soon – hope you are all well, happy and warm!!!