August 16, 2007

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Needless to say, it’s been a stressful week. I am beat and feeling like total shit. And quite frankly I am tired of feeling this way.

 

Last Wednesday my mom had her surgery. It was a LONG day. We thought the surgery would be a couple hours. We ended up waiting (not including the prep time before when we got to stay with her) from 10:30 until 5:30. Dr. came down and told us everything went well, but that it was a bit more complicated than he anticipated. The kidney was very large and attached to many other parts. When we finally got up to see her she was mostly out of it, so we didn’t stay long. I went up there everyday but one. The hospital is about 45 minutes away. The driving was getting quite tiring, but there was no way I wasn’t going to go up there and help out. The staff really doesn’t do much and I worried about her all the time. She was released Tuesday morning. Almost one full week in the hospital. By the last day she was feeling much better, but the recovery will still be a while. She cannot even lift anything over 10lbs for 4-6 weeks. She will likely be off of work for those 6 weeks.  I will be going out to her house (also about 45 mins away) several times a week now that my step dad is going back to work. Hopefully she will come here sometimes to make it a bit easier. I still get mad that they moved so far away. What is going to happen when they are elderly?? Anyway, I am so relieved she is fine and all went fairly well. I will always be worried about her only having one kidney though. But I guess the other has been taking over completely for about 17 years now…so it must be a good one (knocking on wood). Her surgeon believes strongly that the hysterectomy she had 17 years ago was the reason for her kidney failing. Apparently some kind of error was made. It irritates me, but they are not going to see an attorney about it. The error could have killed her. Someone should pay for that. She had a fever when they let her out of the hospital back then. They never even tested for this type of complication. They f’d up plain and simple. I am not one who supports frivolous lawsuits in ANY way. But this is not frivolous and medical staff and physicians need to be held responsible.

 

My stress levels and Charlie’s having to take over some of the responsibilities here have caused for some tension at home.  It is definitely not helping. I feel like I am literally sick. I have aches, pains, chest heaviness, indigestion, extreme exhaustion and headaches. I just cannot take one more argument. I want to run away. Sometimes I wish there was a pill I could take that would make me forget my life here so I could just get on a plane and leave forever. I know how horrible that sounds – so skip the attempts to show your elite knowledge of proper behavior. I am just getting so sick of so many things.

 

I cannot get a job. Ones I am very much qualified for. I get interviews that go well and as soon as it comes time to do a background check – bye bye opportunity. So I remain financially dependant with a brain turning to mush. I love being home with Cassidy, but being with her 24/7 is really getting draining and I don’t feel she is getting all from me that she could from a decent pre-school program. Part time, of course as I am not ready to be away from her full time yet.

 

Tonight is a play my step daughter is doing with her summer daycare. The Jungle Book. She is very excited and I am sure she will have a blast. I remember those days when I was a kid. They were the best. I wish I could look forward to it. My husband’s ex and her family members will be there. Some of whom said horrible things about me, pushed her into accusing me of abuse and are just very bad people. I do not know how I will ever deal with being in the same place as these ‘people’. I feel like throwing up.

 

This just isn’t the life I dreamed for myself. I feel so stuck. I cannot get a receptionist job let alone something I would really love like social work or teaching or counseling. I feel completely defeated and pissed off. And YES I am feeling sorry for myself. Deal with it or stop reading. But I feel a wee bit entitled to some self sympathy once in a while.

 

And yes, I am grateful – SO grateful for my beautiful daughter. For my mother’s positive recovery. And for many other gifts. My sadness and anger and tiredness do not take that away. But I wish they could take the bad stuff away. Perhaps if I were a better, more focused, motivated, positive person they would. But right now I guess I just suck. 

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About Heather Rayne

I am a mom, wife, writer, volunteer, eater of food, lover of animals and avid TV enthusiast. I am opinionated, honest, compassionate and sensitive. I can also be difficult, hard headed and emotional. I consider myself to have a great sense of humor and am very attracted to that in others. I am striving to live an authentic life. I am attempting to learn how to find happiness in the now. I always have hope to be a better person. That being said - I can be vulgar, negative and even a little bitchy at times. I say what I mean and my filter is often dysfunctional. With me, what you see is what you get. I have strong opinions and am quick to speak my mind. This can cause problems from time to time but I do not ever intend to hurt or offend anyone. With that - be warned. I do hope you enjoy my site. Thanks for visiting and have a swell day.

7 responses »

  1. Amy,
     
    I am sorry to hear you have gone through similar experiences. It is so scary to have our hearts act up.  Mine also would start with bending over. That is because the vagus nerve has A LOT to do with these things. There has been a lot of VERY recent studies showing the correlation between the vagus nerve and many different problems such as depression, anxiety, arrythmias and even eating disorders!! They are now doing experiemntal treatments with vaso vagel implants – almost like a pacemaker but on the other side – which have amazing results. Doing things like bending over, eating too much (like stuffing ourselves at a meal), straining on the potty (sorry) and such things can disrupt our vagus nerve. I think we will be hearing a lot more about this in the next 10 years or so.
     
    I also tried many different anti depressants through out the years. None ever worked – at least without really icky side effects – for me. For now, I will say I won’t go back on them. I am doing REALLY well on my heart med – beta blocker – and my anxiety med – klonopin. The combination works very well together. However, I am having exhaustion issues for which I am going to see the Dr next week. At first I thought it was side effects from the meds…but now I am honestly thinking early onset perimenopause. Who freakin knows. If its not one thing its another. Can never seem to just feel GOOD.
     
    Anyway, thanks for commenting. Hope to "talk" to you soon 🙂 Take care of yourself!!

  2. Hey Heather, I wish I had more time to write right now but Im getting ready to leave work. Im really glad that I followed Cheryll who followed Kacy who I dont know who she followed, but anyway……. I was reading your  "health Anxiety thing" My heart does that same thing to me and most of the time its when I have bent over to pick something up.  It started about 8 years ago right before I got pregnant with my son.  They hooked me up to some Holter thing and monitored me for 24 hours and of course it didnt do its flip floppy thing, All they said they found was that my heart sometimes skips a beat.  I too have anxiety and panic attacks, they put me on Paxil which I hated, felt in a fog all the time.  So then they switched me to Lexapro.  Im off both now.  Havent had any attacks but My heart does still race like that and I have to lay completely flat and if you look down at my shirt you can just see my heart going out of control, but yet my breathing is totally fine. after a minute or 2 it does this beat beat and then just slows back to normal.  Thank God I havent had one that lasts 4 hours, let alone 10 minutes.   When I originally went in regarding this I told them it feels like a fish is in my chest! So I got on line and looked up SVT and its total what happens to me.  Thanks for putting that in your Journals for me to be enlightened.

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