I am very tired this morning. Not that this differs from other mornings. I am pretty tired of being so damn tired. I know it must be the medication I am on (beta blocker for the heart crap)…and I have already decreased the dose as much as I can…so there are little in the way of options here. Not being able to have caffeine sure doesn’t help either. I need to get more sleep. Cassidy wakes no later than 6am usually – and that is on a good day. So I simply need to get to sleep sooner. Its hard though. When the kids go to bed, that is my quiet time to enjoy laying in bed, watching a couple shows and mindlessly paging through a magazine. I’d hate to give that up.
Its just an icky morning anyway. Charlie and I got into another argument. Our last communication was a hang up and haven’t heard from him since. I am so sick of the bickering and arguing. I just want to literally throw up when I think the rest of my life could be this way. And I cannot have Cassidy grow up like that. I grew up like that. No way. We need counseling or something. I suggest it all the time and he says we don’t need it – that I just need to be nicer and then all of our problems will go away. Whatever. What are my choices here really though? None. I have no choices. Ugh. I don’t even feel like talking about it anymore.
My diet has gone to shit. I was doing pretty well. But then all these birthdays and valentines…cake and candy. Man. I have NO will power. I will start anew on Monday. I at least am still doing my treadmill. That’s something at least – right?
I desperately need to meet some people. I need friends. I am so isolated – so couped up. It has always been so hard for me to make friends. I can be pretty picky. And when I meet someone I really like – I try to latch on. But they have made their way loose either by moving or just moving on. Since I do not work outside the home or go to school…I just don’t know where or how I am suppose to meet people. I have tried mommies groups and lets just say…didnt work out. I felt SO like the odd ball. I did not fit in and felt very judged. It was a snooty atmosphere. I am just not the ‘lets go out for martinis and talk about Sex in the City’ kind of chic. I am also not the ‘you have to breast feed your child until they are 4 and sleep with them all night every night because I am nothing without my child attached to me at every moment’ kind of mother. So…where do I go? When? How? What do I do? For now, complain.
Any suggestions, advice, comments…feel free…….I’m listening…