Reading the newspaper this morning, which I usually tend to avoid due to all the negativity, I read an obituary that has me perplexed and sad. There is a woman who was the exact same age as me, a week younger in fact, who has died. I didn’t know this woman and we did not attend the same schools. But I knew several people that have known her throughout the years, so I have heard of her. I also went on one blind date with her twin brother in high school. It did not go well, so a second date was never to be. She was 31 years old, married, with young children. Reading the memorial, she obviously had many loved ones and was even Godmother to 3 or 4 different children. I find this all so very sad.
Why did she die? The obituary gives no clues and I have found no articles regarding her being involved in an accident. I have the email of one friend who knows her so I am awaiting a response from her. I cannot get this out of my mind. It is like I need to know HOW she died. Is that completely morbid? I certainly do not mean to be. As I said, I am just very perplexed and sad. And I didn’t even know her.
Yesterday was a bad, bad day. I woke up with terrible heart palpitations. PVCs as they are known in the arrhythmia world. I do get them and have been getting used to them, but this was the first time they woke me up and were so frequent. I took my medication and they did improve. But this feeling of doom and dread did not cease. Even though I was not panic stricken, I had this concern all day about my heart and having a possible heart attack. My mother and husband both tell me over and over that I am fine, healthy, and young…and to stop worrying. But then I read this obituary and am reminded that age has little to do with death and when it can strike.
I know I need to come to a peaceful acceptance about death. I need to conform to the knowledge that I truly have no control over it and it will come when it is suppose to. I need to learn how to do this. I feel I am getting better at this acceptance and realization, but I defiantly need improvement.
I have come to the realization of something else, however, and it is something at which most would roll their eyes. I was born with a particular energy. I feel things many do not feel. I feel things very strongly not only within my own body, but also outside of my own being. I think I can sometimes sense when bad things are going to happen. I can actually sometimes FEEL what another person is feeling. I think it is referred to as being an empath of sorts. I am still learning about this side of myself and so far, I have seen it only as a drag to say the least. But I think it is a very possible reason for my unexplained ‘spells’. Not the anxiety, but the strange days of complete fear, doom, and physical discomfort. I will give you a couple examples.
The day before 9/11, I laid on the bathroom floor throwing up and crying. I was in a very deep depression and was physically sick. It was completely out of nowhere and completely unexplained. I called the Dr. and made an appt for the next day, thinking perhaps I was pregnant. On my way to the Dr. I was listening to the radio when the planes hit the World Trade Center. At that moment, that feeling of doom and sickness simply lifted away. I was so very sad of course about the whole tragedy, but it was like everyone else’s sadness. Not the deep sorrow I was feeling the day previous.
The night the miners in Virginia died in the collapsed mine, I had this same feeling. Along with it was vertigo, which I had never experienced in my life, and trouble breathing fully. I was also suddenly extremely fatigued. I laid in bed all night. The next morning I had heard that the men had died.
There have been a number of instances like this. Sure it could all be coincidence. But I am keeping a journal from now on to keep track of these strange occurrences. My mom suggested last night that perhaps I was feeling the way I was last night because something bad was going to happen, perhaps to someone else. And even though I have been effected by this woman’s death, it cannot be the explanation for yesterday’s feelings because she died last week. So, who knows.
Anyway, this blog obviously went askew. I apologize.
My condolences go out to the Christiansen and Zanis families. I feel such sadness for their loss.